Thursday, April 25, 2013

America Hails Renewed Hatred Between Red Sox And Yankee Fans: “The Healing Has Begun”

In the aftermath of the horrible bombing of the Boston Marathon on April 22nd, the New York Yankees performed several classy gestures of solidarity, including signs supporting Boston and having the fans sing “Sweet Caroline,” the much-loved and heavily played song at Red Sox games. In the aftermath of the tragedy, New York reached out to the city of Boston, reinforcing that we’re all Americans and we stand united.

In the last few days, witnesses have verified that fans of both teams have resumed disparaging each other. These reports have brought sighs of relief and smiles to the faces of an America looking for signs that things are beginning to return to normal.

 “It means that healing has begun,” Suze Shaughnessy, 24, explained. “We can’t ever forget what happened on that terrible Monday, but seeing the fans of both teams at each other’s throats again is a good sign that we’re on the road to recovery!”

“What New York did was wicked classy,” Jimmy O’Malley, 21, of South Boston declared. “We’re like, brothers and stuff.”  O’Malley then paused a moment, narrowed his eyes, then suddenly roared “Yankees suck! Yankees suck!” as he staggered off to his liquid lunch at the local Irish bar.

“When crap like that goes down, we’re not New Yorkers or Bostonians no more,” added Tony “Bananas” Foster, 33, from The Bronx. “We’re Americans, and we got Boston’s back!” He started walking away from the interview, then suddenly turned around and gave a fist pump. “Twenty-seven rings, baby! Suck it, Red Sux!” he bellowed as he picked up his copy of the New York Post, the only reading material he’s capable of understanding.

“Hey, how’s that ten year contract with that chronically injured metrosexual centaur wannabe, A-Fraud, working out for ya, ya putrid pinstriped pricks!?”, chimed in Caroline Diamond, 39, of Brookline, Mass. “But hey, thanks for the support and shout-outs last week. We really appreciate it. You guys rock.”

“About as well as that 2012 season worked out for you, Slobby Valentine,  and that moldy old rat condo you call a ballpark,” retorted Maria “Fettuccini” Alfredo, 50, of Brooklyn. “Oh, and you’re welcome. We remember that you guys were there for us after 9/11, so it’s all good. We gotta stick together! You’re alright in our book!”

“Yeah? Who’s on top of the AL East, wiseass?” smirked Johnny “Pesky” Pole.  “I only hope we can do half as good of job bouncing back as you New Yorkers did after 9/11!”

“Typical Red Sox! Start out strong, but just can’t keep it going down the home stretch!” sneered Joe D. Maggio, a local coffee merchant. “Aw, you guys will be fine. You’re a city of badasses. And nice job taking down those terrorist asswipes so fast!”

In the wake of a public tragedy, many people struggle with the timing of when to move on. There’s a balancing act between taking extraordinary measures not to be inappropriate, disrespectful and insensitive, and wanting to move on and resuming normal everyday life.

Analysts and social commentators agree that the renewed mutual contempt of both fan bases is a sure sign that people are eager to return to their beloved routines.  “What matters now is that the guilty must be punished, and the victims must be helped in any way possible, like for instance giving to the One Fund of Boston,” noted Dr. Poindexter McSmartPerson, renowned sociologist and bacon enthusiast. 

At a White House press conference this morning, President Barack Obama himself hailed the resumption of hostilities. “The blind irrational hatred that Red Sox and Yankees fans have for each other, and the sheer contempt they feel for the other’s team, is an inspiration to all Americans who seek to recover from this tragedy,” the President declared. “We must not forget the tragic events of that Monday, and we must continue to seek justice while extending every means of care to the recovering victims and family members. But we draw strength and hope from the resumption of this obsessive, sometimes frightening bitter rivalry, and point to it as a sign that while the victims remain in our hearts, normalcy is returning.”

When asked about his beloved Chicago White Sox languishing at the bottom of the AL Central Division, President Obama gave a terse “no comment” and ended the press conference, muttering under his breath.

Fans of the Montreal Canadiens have also gone on record as saying that they too are returning to their normal loathing of Boston and the Bruins, but no one cares what they think or do anyway.

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