In the last few days, witnesses have verified that fans of
both teams have resumed disparaging each other. These reports have brought
sighs of relief and smiles to the faces of an America looking for signs that
things are beginning to return to normal.
“It means that
healing has begun,” Suze Shaughnessy, 24, explained. “We can’t ever forget what
happened on that terrible Monday, but seeing the fans of both teams at each
other’s throats again is a good sign that we’re on the road to recovery!”
“What New York did was wicked classy,” Jimmy O’Malley, 21,
of South Boston declared. “We’re like, brothers and stuff.” O’Malley then paused a moment, narrowed his
eyes, then suddenly roared “Yankees suck! Yankees suck!” as he staggered off to
his liquid lunch at the local Irish bar.
“When crap like that goes down, we’re not New Yorkers or
Bostonians no more,” added Tony “Bananas” Foster, 33, from The Bronx. “We’re
Americans, and we got Boston’s back!” He started walking away from the
interview, then suddenly turned around and gave a fist pump. “Twenty-seven
rings, baby! Suck it, Red Sux!” he bellowed as he picked up his copy of the New
York Post, the only reading material he’s capable of understanding.
“Hey, how’s that ten year contract with that chronically
injured metrosexual centaur wannabe, A-Fraud, working out for ya, ya putrid
pinstriped pricks!?”, chimed in Caroline Diamond, 39, of Brookline, Mass. “But
hey, thanks for the support and shout-outs last week. We really appreciate it.
You guys rock.”
“About as well as that 2012 season worked out for you,
Slobby Valentine, and that moldy old rat
condo you call a ballpark,” retorted Maria “Fettuccini” Alfredo, 50, of
Brooklyn. “Oh, and you’re welcome. We remember that you guys were there for us
after 9/11, so it’s all good. We gotta stick together! You’re alright in our
book!”
“Yeah? Who’s on top of the AL East, wiseass?” smirked Johnny
“Pesky” Pole. “I only hope we can do
half as good of job bouncing back as you New Yorkers did after 9/11!”
“Typical Red Sox! Start out strong, but just can’t keep it
going down the home stretch!” sneered Joe D. Maggio, a local coffee merchant.
“Aw, you guys will be fine. You’re a city of badasses. And nice job taking down
those terrorist asswipes so fast!”
In the wake of a public tragedy, many people struggle with
the timing of when to move on. There’s a balancing act between taking
extraordinary measures not to be inappropriate, disrespectful and insensitive,
and wanting to move on and resuming normal everyday life.
Analysts and social commentators agree that the renewed
mutual contempt of both fan bases is a sure sign that people are eager to
return to their beloved routines. “What
matters now is that the guilty must be punished, and the victims must be helped
in any way possible, like for instance giving to the One Fund of Boston,” noted Dr. Poindexter
McSmartPerson, renowned sociologist and bacon enthusiast.
At a White House press conference this morning, President
Barack Obama himself hailed the resumption of hostilities. “The blind
irrational hatred that Red Sox and Yankees fans have for each other, and the
sheer contempt they feel for the other’s team, is an inspiration to all
Americans who seek to recover from this tragedy,” the President declared. “We
must not forget the tragic events of that Monday, and we must continue to seek
justice while extending every means of care to the recovering victims and
family members. But we draw strength and hope from the resumption of this obsessive,
sometimes frightening bitter rivalry, and point to it as a sign that while the
victims remain in our hearts, normalcy is returning.”
When asked about his beloved Chicago White Sox languishing
at the bottom of the AL Central Division, President Obama gave a terse “no
comment” and ended the press conference, muttering under his breath.
Fans of the Montreal Canadiens have also gone on record as
saying that they too are returning to their normal
loathing of Boston and the Bruins, but no one cares what they think or do
anyway.
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