Wow. An Actual Post About Red Sox Baseball...

It occurs to me that I should post something baseball-oriented, since that was kind of sort of the original intent of the blog. Sort of. Maybe. Sometimes.

Anyways...

On Wednesday, April 23rd, in the third of a four-game Red Sox versus Yankees series, Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda was found to have a rather blatant pine tar blob on his neck. This resulted in his ejection in the second inning, and this was also the second time in his appearances against the Red Sox this year that he was seen with the substance on his person.

Pictured: An actual baseball

Naturally, the baseball news stories this morning have been screaming about it, which meant, sadly, that this stupid story overshadowed the absolutely stellar performance of Sox pitcher John Lackey.

Well, naturally, the baseball blogosphere has also been abuzz about the incident. In the midst of the caterwauling, breast-beating, head-shaking, and eye-rolling, there has been one opinion emerging about how Major League Baseball cracking down on Pineda is sending a mixed message about cheating.

Because, you see, pine tar, used to help a pitcher grip the ball better especially during conditions such as cold temperatures, is a foreign substance that is considered an unfair advantage. But a lot of pitchers tacitly use it (and other substances), and they're not penalized for it. There's a certain measure of looking the other way if it's not too blatant.

But to all of those bloggers and people (yes, there's sometimes a difference) who think that suspending Pineda sends a mixed message about cheating, all I have to say is...

Are you freaking kidding me!?

Do these people not know how the real world works? Life is seldom all black and white, all of the time. Life has a lot of those little moments of "Well, this is not really lawful, legal, or otherwise in keeping with policy, but as long as you don't abuse it, and keep it on the down-low, it's all good."

Note the key qualifying phrase: "...keep it on the down-low."

Say you live in a town where a lot of people know the police and, even though the speed limit down the main street is 30, the police don't hassle residents if they're doing, say, 35. But then one day, some local pinhead (pronounced "Pineda"), fully aware of this unwritten policy, bombs down the main drag at 40 mph, windows down, hooting and hollering, stereo blaring. Naturally, the police can't look the other way about this, and have to pull the guy over. The incident also runs the risk of ruining for the discreet people who don't abuse that little bending of the law.

Pineda couldn't have been more blatant about the pine tar if he was wearing a t-shirt that says "I Heart Pine Tar" while pitching. And this is the second time the Sox have spotted him using it. They didn't say anything the first time. Maybe Pineda thought that meant he could take it up another fifty notches.

The "crime" in this situation is not that Pineda used pine tar. The crime comes from being so moronically blatant about it. Oh, and taking away the attention from Lackey's awesome pitching performance.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes! Red Sox Version!

Although most of Red Sox Nation is still walking around with big dumb grins of delighted victory disbelief on their faces, we must turn our attention now to the off-season and the plethora of moves that the teams are conducting, particularly our beloved Red Sox.

I would be remiss if I didn't commentate on three significant Red Sox bits of news that hit teh Interwebz today. And what's that they say about news coming in threes?

1. Jarrod Saltalamacchia Rides Off Into Tropical Obscurity
Okay, so let's say you are a free agent who has two choices. One, you can take a two-year contract with your former team, a World Champion team, no less. Enthusiastically rabid fan base, great teammates, historical park, just an all-around awesome deal. But again, they won't offer you more than two years. Your other choice is THREE years on a pathetically bad National League team located in the state where America goes to die, with a fan base that doesn't approach anywhere near the level of enthusiasm of your former team's fans. What do you do?

Apparently, you take the crap team.

What a pity. I liked Salty. I also liked saying his name; it sort of rolled off your tongue. Saltalamacchia! Sort of like how the name Antonio Banderas does (although you must say it with a slightly Spanish lilt to it. That is, you use the lilt for Antonio, not Jarrod).

But think of it...Marlins are big salt-water fish. Saltalamacchia is often referred to as Salty. Fish. Salty. You have to admit, there's a bond there.

Fun Useless Fact: The Homecoming Queen in my senior year at Hell..er...Hull High was Eileen Saltalamacchia. And yes, she was the perfect choice.

2. Tacoby Bellsbury Goes Over To The Dark Side (Though They Don't Have Cookies..Just $153 Mil).
Come on, is anyone really surprised by this? Jacoby wanted his big payday and he's a client of Scott Boras. The Sox weren't going to give him what he wanted. He was a goner already. So, in steps the Yankees, whose roster is aging so badly that Depends are now standard equipment in the dugout, and they throw a 7 year $153 million dollar contract at him. Because, you see, the Yankees are the leaders in hideously ill-conceived contracts. Just ask A-Fraud. So let's improve their roster by bringing in an injury-prone 30 year old.

Look, I wish the guy well. He was a part of two of our World Series wins, and is a great lead off hitter and a great base stealer. When he's healthy. And therein lies his Achilles heel (any reports of a damaged Achilles tendon are just rumor). He has difficulty staying healthy, and his recoveries are notoriously slow. And I got news flash for ya, Sparky...the older you get, the longer you take to recover from injuries. Fact.

But I'm sure the Yankee fans will be their usual understanding selves.

And for what it's worth, if I get to a game next year, and by some miracle it's Sox vs Yanks, no, I won't boo him.

3. Say WHAT!?
But wait! The news today isn't just about who we lost...it's also about who we gained! We now have a new catcher! Salty wasn't interested in the two year deal the Sox offered him; he wanted at least three years. We didn't want to give him more because we have a couple of minor leaguers who will be ready soon. Okay, so all the Sox had to do was find a catcher for one year, perhaps a slight possibly of two. Someone whose temperament would fit in well with this team of loveable, personable, wacky guys!

And boy oh boy, did the front office find someone!

We got...

Wait for it...

This is gonna be good...

A.J. Pierzysnki!

America Hails Renewed Hatred Between Red Sox And Yankee Fans: “The Healing Has Begun”

In the aftermath of the horrible bombing of the Boston Marathon on April 22^nd, the New York Yankees performed several classy gestures of solidarity, including signs supporting Boston and having the fans sing “Sweet Caroline,” the much-loved and heavily played song at Red Sox games. In the aftermath of the tragedy, New York reached out to the city of Boston, reinforcing that we’re all Americans and we stand united.

In the last few days, witnesses have verified that fans of both teams have resumed disparaging each other. These reports have brought sighs of relief and smiles to the faces of an America looking for signs that things are beginning to return to normal.

 “It means that healing has begun,” Suze Shaughnessy, 24, explained. “We can’t ever forget what happened on that terrible Monday, but seeing the fans of both teams at each other’s throats again is a good sign that we’re on the road to recovery!”

“What New York did was wicked classy,” Jimmy O’Malley, 21, of South Boston declared. “We’re like, brothers and stuff.”  O’Malley then paused a moment, narrowed his eyes, then suddenly roared “Yankees suck! Yankees suck!” as he staggered off to his liquid lunch at the local Irish bar.

“When crap like that goes down, we’re not New Yorkers or Bostonians no more,” added Tony “Bananas” Foster, 33, from The Bronx. “We’re Americans, and we got Boston’s back!” He started walking away from the interview, then suddenly turned around and gave a fist pump. “Twenty-seven rings, baby! Suck it, Red Sux!” he bellowed as he picked up his copy of the New York Post, the only reading material he’s capable of understanding.

“Hey, how’s that ten year contract with that chronically injured metrosexual centaur wannabe, A-Fraud, working out for ya, ya putrid pinstriped pricks!?”, chimed in Caroline Diamond, 39, of Brookline, Mass. “But hey, thanks for the support and shout-outs last week. We really appreciate it. You guys rock.”

“About as well as that 2012 season worked out for you, Slobby Valentine,  and that moldy old rat condo you call a ballpark,” retorted Maria “Fettuccini” Alfredo, 50, of Brooklyn. “Oh, and you’re welcome. We remember that you guys were there for us after 9/11, so it’s all good. We gotta stick together! You’re alright in our book!”

“Yeah? Who’s on top of the AL East, wiseass?” smirked Johnny “Pesky” Pole.  “I only hope we can do half as good of job bouncing back as you New Yorkers did after 9/11!”

“Typical Red Sox! Start out strong, but just can’t keep it going down the home stretch!” sneered Joe D. Maggio, a local coffee merchant. “Aw, you guys will be fine. You’re a city of badasses. And nice job taking down those terrorist asswipes so fast!”

In the wake of a public tragedy, many people struggle with the timing of when to move on. There’s a balancing act between taking extraordinary measures not to be inappropriate, disrespectful and insensitive, and wanting to move on and resuming normal everyday life.

Analysts and social commentators agree that the renewed mutual contempt of both fan bases is a sure sign that people are eager to return to their beloved routines.  “What matters now is that the guilty must be punished, and the victims must be helped in any way possible, like for instance giving to the One Fund of Boston,” noted Dr. Poindexter McSmartPerson, renowned sociologist and bacon enthusiast. 

At a White House press conference this morning, President Barack Obama himself hailed the resumption of hostilities. “The blind irrational hatred that Red Sox and Yankees fans have for each other, and the sheer contempt they feel for the other’s team, is an inspiration to all Americans who seek to recover from this tragedy,” the President declared. “We must not forget the tragic events of that Monday, and we must continue to seek justice while extending every means of care to the recovering victims and family members. But we draw strength and hope from the resumption of this obsessive, sometimes frightening bitter rivalry, and point to it as a sign that while the victims remain in our hearts, normalcy is returning.”

When asked about his beloved Chicago White Sox languishing at the bottom of the AL Central Division, President Obama gave a terse “no comment” and ended the press conference, muttering under his breath.

Fans of the Montreal Canadiens have also gone on record as saying that they too are returning to their normal loathing of Boston and the Bruins, but no one cares what they think or do anyway.

An Open Letter to the Lost Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Dear Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim California Hassenpfeffer Incorporated:

You suck.

Really. Truly. You suck. It's not "Yankees Suck"..no, it's "Angels Suck". There are black holes out there, with high-powered vacuum cleaners orbiting them, who have less sucking power than you do, you incompetent West Coast pretenders to baseball greatness.

Scoscia? You suck! Vlad the Impaler? Hah. Try Vlad the Sucker. Bobby Abreu? No, it's Bobby Suckyou. Yeah, those aren't very good insults...but then again, the Angels aren't a very good team.

You could have really done something amazing. You could have come close to emulating the 2004 Red Sox. But no. No, you decided it was better to emulate the 1920 Keystone Kops. Was that Game Six of the ALCS, or an especially annoying episode of America's (Allegedly) Funniest Home Videos?

"But we swept your Red Sox!", I hear you say. "Big deal!", I say. Everyone knows the Red Sox were having issues. While on paper Boston had a team capable of really accomplishing something amazing, there somehow wasn't the right balance, the right mix...that, and we really need a masher at the heart of the lineup, to re-instill that same fear of God in opposing pitchers that Ortiz/Manny did. In fact, considering the health issues, the slumps, the whatevers, I consider the Sox as having a successful season, getting as far as they did and winning, what, 95 games? Wish it could've gone on longer, but hey...

Anyways, I digress. You, Angels, suck. Your pathetic display against New York only shows just how truly ineffective a team you really are, and how much you really didn't deserve to be in the playoffs.

Take your thunder sticks and your rally monkey and stick them where the sun doesn't shine. Go home. You honestly suck.

And should, by some massive cosmic flatulence, you manage to make it to the post-season again in 2010, rest assured that the Red Sox, their issues certainly having been resolved during the off-season, will restore the true way of things, which is having the Red Sox tapdance on your incompetent red-capped skulls as they effortlessly glide their way to the 2010 ALCS.

Hey, maybe you can convince Disney to make Angels in the Outfield 2...where a deranged Al the angel (with Christopher Lloyd reprising the role), tries to make the Angels into something that's slightly better than whale barf, and, failing, becomes a demon who works for Satan (played by Scott Boras in his screen debut). And the surprise ending (or would it be that much of a surprise?) it turns out that the Gates of Hell are located right under the new Yankee Stadium.

Speaking of things from Hell, ok, yeah, the Yankees won the ALCS, and will go to the World Series. Normally I don't cheer on anything from Philadelphia unless it's a Best Cheesesteak competition, but in this case, yeah, GO PHILLIES!

I think one of the most annoying thing about the Yankees is how easily, how quickly, the pundits are willing to fall all over themselves praising that Team From Hell, when the players are doing things that, oh, I don't know, they are EXPECTED to do. Hey look! A-Rod's decided to stop obsessing about himself and is actually effective in the post-season! Well, Hell, let's brand him the new Mr. October! After just one partial post-season of doing well! Sure! Why not? Jeter? Yeah, let's nominate Jeter as AL MVP! He deserves it!

Excuse me?

Now, don't get me wrong. I actually like Derek Jeter. But he's not the AL MVP (Mr. Mauer gets that nod). But again, you have the sports media which, in varying degrees, seems almost obsessively eager to decorate the Yankees with all sorts of accolades at the drop of a hat. I really think this is part of the reason for the average baseball fan's deep-rooted hatred of the Yankees....a sort of contrary knee-jerk reaction to the media lovefest overkill directed at the pinstripers.

But keep this in mind...considering the huge contracts they gave out in order to stock their lineup with A-list baseball superstars, and the billion-plus they sank into Toilet 2, nothing short of a World Series win will be considered a successful outcome. OK, so they made it to the dance. But if Philly, which has its own reasons to want to win it all (like being the first NL team to win back to back Series since the Big Red Machine in the 70's), manages to sink the Yanks, then it'll be all for nothing. AL Division East champs? Nope. Not good enough. ALCE champs? Still not good enough. No ring, no validation for their 2009 season.

Philly...You need to win this thing. Heed the lessons of the incompetent Angels of Anaheim. Field the ball. Hit the ball. Do good things. Take down the Yanks in four.