Friday, May 15, 2015

New Patriots Charges: Malcolm Butler Is A Telepath

New charges have surfaced against the New England Patriots, already reeling from accusations of using deflated balls and being implicated in the ensuing Wells report. According to Seahawks' quarterback Russell Wilson, the only way that Patriots' rookie cornerback Malcolm Butler could have intercepted Wilson's throw was if Butler could read minds.

"Now that I have had some time to think of it, there's no way in Hell that Butler should have been able to intercept my throw," Wilson snarled in a recent interview with Sports Overreaction Desk. "It's clear to me that he's some kind of mind reader. The Patriots cheated by having some dude who reads minds in their lineup. Nothing that team does surprises me anymore!"

The charges have raised a huge outcry as millions of people have immediately accepted the accusation has absolutely true, despite the complete absence of a single iota of actual proof.

The NFL, which is currently butt-hurt over their serial ineptness in the area of player discipline, investigations, and punishments over the last couple of years, immediately commissioned crack investigator Theodore "Snack" Wells to investigate these charges, and compile a report that backs up the accusation.

Pictured: Respected attorney Wells
The Wells investigation into the new scandal, dubbed "Mentalgate", has resulted in Wells releasing the following statement:

"After a painstaking investigation in which we overlooked several facts that contradicted our preliminary findings, I can say that beyond the shadow of a doubt that Malcolm Butler may possibly be a mind reader. Maybe. Sort of.

"There is the possibility that Butler is either a mutant or a representative of the next stage of human evolution. We have subpoenaed a Professor Charles Xavier, and reached out to an organization called PsiCorps for possible corroboration.

"Although we have found no evidence to support the idea that Butler can read minds, at least no proof we could pull out of our asses on such short notice, we also found no evidence that he's not a mind reader. Thus, this investigation concludes that the New England Patriots may or may not have willfully or unintentionally acquired someone who may or may not be a mind reader, which may or may not have unfairly influenced the game, and....

"Oh, screw it. Let's just say they're guilty. They're all guilty. Everyone in the organization is guilty as a puppy sitting next to a smile pile of poo. Butler's guilty, Brady's guilty, Belichick's guilty, Kraft is guilty and his macaroni and cheese sucks!"

Punishment has yet to be determined, but it's certain to be a fair, even-handed disciplinary action that in no way could be possible deemed excessive.

With the New England Patriots now being blamed for everything from global warming to the formation of ISIS, the team has now overtaken the New York Yankees as the most hated professional sports team in America.

On a related note, numerous unverified reports have surfaced of a drunken, half-naked Alex "Slappy" Rodriguez running around Yankee Stadium yelling "Woo hoo!" and giving unwanted fist-bumps to unwilling bystanders.