Friday, December 5, 2014

A 21st Century Christmas Blessing

Our Christmas Tree topper for this year
May the Lord grant you a drama-free Christmas, with no family conflicts, sudden bad news, or any other last-minute crises.

May His hand shield you as you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, otherwise known as the malls. May the escalators rise up to meet you, absent of unattended screaming children. May He defend your car against crappy drivers in the parking lots. May His anger burn swift and harsh against those who take up two spaces for the sake of preserving their precious car's paint job. May He send flocks of poop-loaded birds to cover such a car, and may a deep freeze set in seconds later.

May you not purchase an item at one store, only to find it available at half off somewhere else two weeks later.

When you do your online Christmas shopping, may the Lord defend your computer, financial information, and IP address from thieves and hackers

The Lord guard and keep your bank account and credit card balances, and may you be spared overlimit fees.

May He grant you infinite patience and mercy when you're subjected to the 14th consecutive showing of "A Christmas Story".

...and if you are the one inflicting this torture on others, may the Lord have mercy on your soul.

May the Lord keep away from your sight anyone who takes offense at whatever holiday greeting you choose to say to people.

May the Lord grant you a politics-free season, especially saving you from those who seize upon the whole "Christmas Under Attack" myth for their own ends.

On the other hand, may He also defend you from those who would eradicate any single reference to Christmas because it offends their tender sensibilities.

May God and His angels protect you from the Star Wars Christmas Special.

If you happen to run across an Elf on the Shelf, may there be a roaring fire in the fireplace, and no witnesses.

May the patience of God restrain your fist from going through the television screen after you witness the umpteeneth ruination of a Christmas song, hearing it changed into a commercial jingle.

May the Lord defend you from fruitcake.

May the Lord spare you from creepy people when you happen to pass under the mistletoe.

May the Lord watch over your thoughts and actions, especially during company Christmas parties. But if He doesn't, may He soften the hearts of the Human Resources department during the resulting hearing.

May the weather be in your favor and may it not disrupt your travel and party plans, because Lord, thus far it's pretty much sucked. And it's not even winter yet. I mean, seriously, what the Hell?

May the Lord spare you from the know-it-alls and killjoys who feel the need to say things like "Christmas is actually a Pagan holiday", or "If Jesus was real, he was born in the spring of 4 BC, not the Year Zero on December 25th!".

May the Lord keep you out of Wal-Mart, for it is Satan's domain.

May the angels keep your tree safe from your rambunctious pets. May your cats' desire to climb trees be quelled at least until after the presents have been opened.

May He give you infinite patience in the presence of the billions of horrible, creatively-bankrupt iterations of "It's A Wonderful Life". On a related note, may there be a handy box of Kleenex in time for the real movie's final scene.

And finally, may the blessings of the season fall upon you and yours this year, with peace, joy, prosperity, and good health to all, now and in the year to come!