Monday, March 17, 2014

Obligatory St Patrick's Day Post

Here's an autographed picture of the Dropkick Murphys.
I was unable to secure a potato or a Guinness.
Well, I'm half-Irish, so I'll make it a shorter post. So here we are, another St.Patrick's Day, a day when we commemorate St. Patrick driving all of the snakes out of Ireland by threatening them with green beer and Shamrock Shakes. Or something like that, All I know is that there's talk about Guinness, potatoes, and catching leprosy..or...wait...maybe it's leprechauns. Then everything sort of goes black, and we wake up wondering what the Hell happened.

Anyways, it is my firm belief that St.Patrick's Day should be the template for how all holidays are observed. It's because the holiday is the ultimate example of inclusion. For instance, here's how some people react to other holidays:

Christmas Person: Hey, Merry Christmas!
Bitter Joyless Dumbass: I don't observe Christmas. Some ridiculous fairy tale about some made-up God born on December 25th, when everyone knows the story is ripped off from mythology, and furthermore...
Christmas Person: Wow, what a bitter, joyless dumbass!   :::: walks away::::

Halloween Person:
Hey, Happy Halloween!
Ultra-Religious Person: I do NOT observe Say-tun's Holy-day!
Halloween Person:'s not....
Ultra-Religious Person: I will hear no more of your lies, blasphemer! I cast thee out, Say-tun!
Halloween Person: OW! Hey! Stop whacking me with that Bible! Those King James Version Family Bibles are heavy, man! Where do you even keep that thing on your person!? Ow! Ow!

Fourth of July**
Hey, Happy Fourth of July!
Ultra-Liberal Pseudo-Intellectual D-Bag Customer at My Dad's Restaurant: Well! I don't celebrate any holiday that commemorates the slaughter of Indians!
Me: Wha?  :::walks away, confused:::

But now, let's look at St. Patrick's Day!
St. Patrick's Day Celebrant: Heeeeyyy!! Happy Saint Paddy's Day! Here! Have a Guinness! Take two, they're small!
Confused, Non-Irish Person: But, I'm not Irish nor am I Catholic...
St. Patrick's Day Celebrant: Ahhhhhh no worries! No one's perfect! Now, here's an Irish Carbomb, an' some Guinness, an' some Jamison's!
No Longer Confused, But Now Totally Inebriated Non-Irish Person: Besht holiday evah! Whoops! Just wet myself! HAHAHAHAHA! Erin's gold bra! :::vomits on bar floor::
Everyone In Bar:  Huzzah!

Happy Pat Sainty's Dayyyy!
On Saint Patrick's Day, people don't let a little thing like them not being Irish nor Catholic stop them from dressing up in green, eating corned beef and cabbage, snorting Lucky Charms, and drinking enough to float an aircraft carrier. Everyone comes together in a sloppy haze of drunken good fellowship, and everyone has a good time.

And that's how all holidays should be conducted. Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone!

**And yes, this scenario really honestly did happen. East Cambridge, back in the mid 70's (the Bicentennial to be exact), my dad's old restaurant. And thus the seeds were sown for my hatred of ultra-liberalism, a hatred which was fueled by further ridiculousness like that, as well as them being lousy tippers (so much for showing solidarity with the working class!).

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