Thursday, October 24, 2013

Ex-Manager Bobby Valentine Claims Credit For Remarkable Red Sox 2013 Season

Former Sox manager Bobby Valentine addresses empty room.
After the abysmal 2012 season that showcased a dysfunctional Red Sox team led by "manager" and chronic verbal diarrhea sufferer Bobby Valentine, the best results that many of the Fenway Faithful expected out of Boston's 2013 team was that they simply not embarrass themselves or trip over the steps when emerging from the dugout. As of this writing, a stunned baseball world is witnessing the Boston Red Sox crowned as the AL Champions, finishing in a tie for the best record in baseball for 2013, and locked in a duel with the St. Louis Cardinals in the Fall Classic.

Even the most ardent Sox-hater has to grudgingly concede that this Boston team has, regardless of the World Series outcome, accomplished something special, a turnaround of positively epic proportions, one for the books. Many have tried to offer explanations for the resurgence, and on Thursday morning, another explanation came from a rather bizarre and yet regrettably not a wholly unexpected source.

"I am responsible for the Red Sox' fantastic performance this season!" proclaimed ex-manager Bobby Valentine. Taking the podium at a hastily arranged press conference, the erstwhile manager and professional blabbermouth regaled the empty room with his "logic".

"My 2012 tenure was a little less than successful," Valentine admitted in a rare display of acknowledging reality. "By the time winter hit, the guys, at least those that weren't traded away or ran away screaming, were humiliated and embarrassed. When Spring Training came around this year, they were exceptionally motivated to erase the memories of 2012."
  News Update:: These cats had more to do with the Sox
 successful season than Valentine did.

Valentine maintains that it was this degree of humiliation and almost fanatical desire to expunge 2012 that served as the catalyst for the Red Sox surprising success this year. "If I hadn't so completely and utterly screwed the bed as manager last year, they wouldn't have had that burning, itching need to prove themselves and salvage their dignity this year. And since one of the many tasks of a manager is to motivate his players, well, I leave you to do the math."

And, with a vacant, cow-like expression and dopey grin, he did just that, leaving the podium and wandering out the door, phone raised to his ear as he attempted to touch base with the Detroit Tigers' ownership, offering his services as manager. Screams could be heard on the other end of the line.

Some critics scoffed at Valentine's claims, noting that the words "Valentine" and "dignity" are mutually exclusive.

Valentine's bizarre assertions were further shot down in a statement released by John Henry, Red Sox principle owner, steel-driving man, and full-time android. "Bzzzt...Valentine does not compute not found!..bzzt..beep..Subject is delusional and possibly insane..approach with caution...bzzt. Ex-ter-min-ate!"

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