Sunday, October 6, 2013

A-Rod Sues Jason Varitek: "It's all his fault"

Om nom nom...
NEW YORK- The saga of New York Yankees third baseman, steroid user, and noted sociopathic narcissist Alex Rodriguez took another odd turn yesterday when he announced that, in addition to suing the MLB, the Yankees, and the Players' Union, Rodriguez has decided to file suit against former Boston Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek.

Alex Rodriguez, also known as A-Rod, A-Roid, A-Fraud, A-Hole, Slappy, Slappy McBluelips, Mr. Madonna, and Dumbass, is embroiled in a PED controversy that threatens to tarnish the legacy of disgust and contempt that he has worked so hard to foster during his illustrious career with the New York Yankees.

"Alex claims that all of his problems began in 2004 when Varitek tried to force him to eat a glove on national television during the 2004 season," Bobby Shill, a spokesweasel for Rodriguez announced yesterday during a press conference. "It was at this point that A-Rod's psyche was so irrevocably damaged that he had no choice but to turn to performance enhancing drugs to make himself better, which of course he didn't actually take. On purpose. He was tricked. He didn't do it. He didn't know the stuff was illegal. Which he didn't take. A big scary monster did it."

According to the wording of the suit, Jason Varitek caused Rodriguez "irreparable harm to Mr. Rodriguez' self-esteem and mentally unhinged him, forcing him to commit unsportsmanlike acts that he would otherwise not do, if there was any chance he'd get caught."

The suit further alleges that after the catcher's mitt made contact with his teeth, Rodriguez developed "an unhealthy obsession for beef jerky and other forms of stringy aged meat products", citing not only the possibility that Varitek had rubbed barbecue sauce on his mitt, but also offering a possible explanation for why Rodriguez formed an ultimately destructive relationship with Madonna.

A-Rod took time out from a recent posing session for a new portrait depicting him as a minotaur. "It doesn't matter that I eventually went on to single-handedly win the World Series for the Yankees in 2009, and won the love, respect, and admiration of every fan and player in baseball. Jason got inside my head and really messed me up."

Rodriguez also offered a hint that if his current defensive strategy fails, he intends to prove that all wrong-doing was in fact committed by his evil counterpart from the Mirror Universe, as depicted in the original Star Trek series. "My evil counterpart is clever," Rodriguez admitted. "He even shaved off his evil counterpart goatee in order to pass for me!" Rodriguez will attempt to prove that every time he did something good, it was the "real" him, managing to somehow overcome his evil opposite and take his life back, while every time something questionable occurred, it was the evil Mirror-A-Rod regaining control.