Death of a Conservative Christian

After I published that four-part D&D 40th anniversary history series, I've had a few people ask me just what went down with me at Park Street Church. After due consideration, I decided to put the experience into a blog post and run it up the virtual flagpole. I firmly believe that most bloggers who write with any sort of regularity have one Intensely Personal Gut-Punch Story. This one's mine.

What This Post Isn't

This post is a bit of a downer. So here's a picture of my
cat with our remote.

If you're looking for a post that trashes God, Christianity, or religion in general, then please look elsewhere. This account has to do with what happens when you put too much trust in any one church and how they do things, the dangers in micro-managing and over-legislating the Christian experience, and that the biggest obstacle that prevents more people from becoming Christians is, well, Christians.

And this is certainly not a "Oh, poor pitiful me, look what the nasty church folk did to li'l ol' me! Wahh, wahh, wahh!" sob-fest. Something happened to me that had no business happening, based on what was endlessly drilled into my head. And now, I'm calling "BS!" on it, that's all. In fact, some of you reading this may go "Oh, okay, this explains everything!"

In fact, let the record show that my 20 years at Park Street Church did me a world of good. I made a lot of close friendships that endure to this day, and I received a lot of excellent instruction and guidance that helped navigate the maze of modern faith a little easier (and, I have a feeling, a maze that was much simpler, if it existed at all, at the very beginning of the whole Christian thing). The various fellowships really got me through some rough times, especially as a teenager and young adult. Nothing can change that. It's just that, since events that will be relayed in this post, I've decided to hold up a lot of the things I've been taught to closer scrutiny and tougher questioning.

Why Dredge Up Something That Happened 25 Years Ago?
Because if there's even the slightest chance that even one person can walk away from reading this and realize that you can be a Christian without becoming a complete tool and/or committing intellectual suicide, if there's even a small chance that someone who was disgusted by religion reads this and considers giving God another try, or if there's even one person out there who is going through or who has gone through a similar situation and is still trying to make heads or tails out of it, then it's worth posting.

Besides, there wasn't a fully developed social media-oriented Internet back then, let alone online blog, where one could vent and get it all out in the open, so there!

A Call To Service
It all started in the mid-80's. My then wife and I were settled into our marriage, well-situated at Park Street Church, and comfortably set in our jobs at work. Kids were still a ways away thanks to the Glorious Peoples' Five-Year Plan (in other words, no new glorious people in the house for five years). Life had settled down. It was about this time that I thought that I'd like to serve the church in some capacity.

It was brought to my attention that Park Street's high school group needed adult volunteers to serve on staff, and that it would be a good fit for me. After all, I had joined the high school group back in 1974, where I became a Christian in more than just name then, and had found a place where I belonged. The friendships I made there, and the ways that God had worked in my life helped me make it through those tough high school years. Part of this support came from the adult volunteer staff, particularly one staffer named Bob French, who introduced me to Avalon Hill war games.

Perhaps there was some lonely, overweight kid who wasn't fitting in at school and was teased, but was turning to God for answers and help. Perhaps this was my way of giving back to the church. I talked it over with some people, and they agreed that I would be temperamentally well-suited to work with high schoolers because I could easily relate to them (translation: You're just a big kid yourself, JT).

My Beliefs Before

The way I felt from the late 70s to late 80's

When I came to a decision to follow God more closely and have my Christianity be more than simply a cultural thing handed down by my family, an evangelistic fervor took hold; that and a strong moral leaning to the right. Let's just say that I was in lock-step with just about all positions embraced by the Christian Right. There were so many "thou shalt nots" out there, and not only did I make sure not to do them, I made sure that the people around me didn't either. My politics were also skewed to the right, but that was more of a side-effect; after all, you vote for the candidates that share your beliefs (or at least claim they do, anyway).

I should also state for the record that my conservative Christianity wasn't "perfect". After all, I had difficulty accepting the idea of women being submissive, and unable to, say, become a member of the clergy. I had the whole SF/Fantasy thing going on, and although I lived my life by The Book (literally and figuratively), I didn't think the Earth was actually created in a week and was only several thousand years old. My credulity had its limits. I also wasn't too keen on the Christian sub-culture. My tastes in music, movies, books, and tv was definitely "secular". I can name two Christian musicians, for instance, that I think are worth the time of day (Steve Taylor and guitar genius Phil Keaggy, for the record).

And, of course, I had been taught that my church was my spiritual family, here to support me and help me grow into an awesome mature Christian. The body of Christ, as manifested at Park Street, was my safe harbor, a source of strength, comfort, and when needed, correction. The secular world didn't understand, and would persecute me. The church was better than that. And not only that, there was even a certain implication that Park Street's way was just a little better. I also won't even go into detail about what many of the people around me thought about the Catholic Church at the time.

Although one of the pastors that led Park Street's college fellowship tried to repeatedly drill into everyone's heads that the attitude of believers when dealing with non-believers was to be "as a beggar telling another beggar where to find food", there was the sense of condescending superiority that manifested itself in certain circles in the group.

Awesomeness Ensues

Me, being a pillar of Christian maturity on high school staff

But anyway, I volunteered for high school staff and I was eagerly accepted in the group. For a while, everything ran smoothly. As predicted, I could relate to the kids very easily. My weird sense of humor, my love of alternative music, and my general outgoing manner served me well. I even started a Bible study for about a half-dozen of the guys, and we met on Friday nights. Yes. I had gotten things to the point where high-school age guys would be willing to give up their Friday nights to study the Bible together.

And so it went, for about a year or so. Maybe two. I don't know, frankly, the dates are a little fuzzy, but I know that my tenure there overlapped with the birth of Adrienne, my first kid, in May of 1987.

Trouble Heads Its Ugly Rear
So sometime after Adrienne was born and we had moved out of our duplex in Boston and bought a house in Randolph, a few of the parents organized a sort of "meet and greet" thing for all of the high school staffers and the high school parents. Hey, sounds great!

Contents: Rulebook, adventure, dice, crayon, and
EEEEEEEEEEEEVIL!!!!!!!

Now, what needs to be remembered here was that I had already quit my regular white collar drone desk job at Harvard Community Health Plan in order to stay home and be Mister Mom and do my role-playing game freelance writing for Dungeons and Dragons. You just knew that gaming was going to enter into this somehow, didn't you? Of course you did!

So there I was, at this sort-of party held at the house of one of the more well-established church families, when one of the parents asked me about myself, where I lived, how I joined the church, and what I did for a living. I explained that I was a stay at home dad, and that I brought in income as a full-time freelance writer. Intrigued, the parent continued the questions and asked me what I wrote.

And that's when I said the words that would change religion for me forever.

"Oh, role-playing game books. You know, like Dungeons and Dragons."

Cue the needle being dragged across a record.

The smile froze on the parent's face. "Oh, I see. That's...nice," came the reply. Or words to that extent.

I should have known something was up when suddenly a shadow crossed the face of the moon, a vulture alighted in a nearby tree, a wolf howled, and the Eye of Saruman turned its baleful gaze towards me. I may as well have said I ran a baby mill that specialized in selling sacrificial infants to cults around the country.

Nobody Expects The Parental Inquisition; Actually, No, Everyone Expected Them

Our chief weapons are gossip, ignorance, slander, and a
total disregard for the Bible!

Do you know what word drives me completely bonkers when used in the context of Christian social circles? "Concerned". As in, "I'm concerned about Jim; he seems to not enjoy reading the Bible anymore," or "I'm concerned about Regan; her head revolves 360 and she spits up pea soup."

Yeah. Now, people were "concerned" about me. And, in true Christian social etiquette, rather than being approached directly, a small group of parents took their concerns to the Youth Pastor.

Because, you see, Dungeons and Dragons promoted witchcraft, demonology, suicide, and Satan. Kids lives were being ruined by it. And now here's a staff member who not only plays the game, he also writes for them! I'm still convinced that somewhere out there, there's someone working feverishly in an isolated room, trying desperately to prove that D&D was responsible for World War Two.

So naturally, the parents were "concerned". They were "concerned" for my immortal soul, they were "concerned" about the effect that my profession would have on their children. They were "concerned" for their children's eternal souls. So much concern! They had allllll the concern!

And thus, an issue was born. These parents wanted to know even more about me, what exactly I did, and what these role-playing games were. Because, you see, they had anti-D&D pamphlets which exposed the game for what it was. Never mind that the source material they used was from a different game and wrongly attributed to D&D. No, this was Satanism. Wasn't I aware of the fact that I was playing with fire?

Once it became clear that they couldn't force me to quit my job, they asked if I'd be willing to attend a meeting at one parent's house. The meeting would include a bunch of the concerned parents (there's that blasted word again), and they invited this outside "expert" who made his living lecturing at different churches and youth groups about the evils of..well...pretty much everything. In an effort to try and meet these people halfway and perhaps lay the matter to rest, I agreed. Maybe if I played a little ball, they'd talk a walk.

Get it? Play ball? Walk?

Sorry...

Enter The Nutjob

Beware: a Devil-worshipping Druid lurks
within those branches. Also, possibly a squirrel

What followed was a fervent small-group talk, with this "expert" warning me, and the parents too, of evil influences that insinuated themselves into every aspect of our culture. For instance, did you know that:

1. Rock music is Satanic. There's backward messages, and also the beat incites people to violence. Anthropologists played rock music for tribes of African natives, and they grabbed their spears and prepared for war. (huh huh...he said "grabbed their spears". huh huh.. Cool.) On the other hand, when classical music was played, these tribes became happy and pleased (as an aside, who ARE these tribes? Where are they found? What nation in Africa hosts them? Is there a generic African tribe that acts as a sort of litmus test for first-world cultural issues??).

2. Disney movies are Satanic, especially Fantasia. Because one character practices magic (Mickey in the Sorcerers Apprentice), and there's demonic imagery.

3. Christmas trees were created by Druids as a way of mocking Christ's crucifixion.

4. Christmas wreaths were also created by Druids to mock Christ's sacrifice. See, the wreath represents the crown of thorns, with the red holly berries representing the droplets of blood from his forehead.

5. D&D was evil because it had spells and demons.

Well, that settled that. Right? Because this is how Satan influences society. He plants things in stuff that's just so freaking ludicrous and/or hard to decode unless you were very clever.

I don't know...sounds like a dumb plan to me. But then again, who was I to question my Dark Overlord?

KIDDING!

That's Me In The Corner...
Since I was unmoved by this expert testimony, the group of parents increased their efforts. Now, what needs to be said for the record is that, of all the parents of the kids in the group, half of them didn't care one way or the other what I did for a living. Roughly a fourth of the parents thought I was the greatest thing to come along since sliced bread. The last fourth were the concerned parents who were convinced I was playing with the tiddlywinks of the Devil, or something.

So this concerned 25% pushed the matter. They approached the Youth Pastor with their concerns, and asked that more be done. So, an appointment with the Head Pastor of the whole freaking church was made. Just the pastor and me, having an honest and frank sit-down. The Big Guy and me.

The result? The Pastor declaring that I was a fine, God-loving young man who loved serving the church, and whose heart was right with God. And that's a pretty good paraphrase, by the way.

And so, the concerned parents said "Oh, okay. We'll drop it then!", and everything was great. Crisis averted.

HA! PSYCH!

No, actually, the difference it made was "diddly" and "squat", and diddly left town. You see, Park Street is a Congregational church, which means that the Pastor simply can't make unilateral declarations. The congregation has a say. Okay, that's a gross simplification, but it was explained to me that form of church government did have a bearing in it. These parents wanted a meeting of all of the parents, and the Youth Pastor.

Everyone, in fact, but me. Because, you see, everyone was trying to spare me the public embarrassment.

Are you kidding me!?!?!

Concerned Park Street parents gather for the big meeting

Everything I had done in and for the group was now being called into question, and I was being portrayed as either a willing or unwitting tool of the Devil! People, it doesn't get more embarrassing and humiliating than that! I felt like that guy in Life of Brian who was about to be stoned, and he mouthed off, and John Cleese as the High Priest says "Don't make it worse for yourself!" to which he answered "How can I make it any worse for myself? You're about to stone me!"

But I stayed away, like a good little soldier. From all accounts I heard afterwards, parents were actually shouting at each other. Tempers flared. When one parent was accused of behaving in an unBiblical manner, his quote, and I kid you not, because this gem burned itself into my brain by weight of its sheer outrageousness was, "I don't care what the Bible says! This is my child I'm talking about!" This from one of the established church families. Nice Christianity you got there, big guy,,,

Hey, I did have my supporters, bless them, and they were determined to defend me. But it was to no avail. The parents who supported me were furious, and tried to point out that I had done so much good, and the Bible itself said that you can't get bad and good fruit from the same tree. Apparently, though, these concerned parents weren't very interested in spiritual botany.

That's Me In The Spotlight...

I told you! I told you, "Stay away from writing for TSR, mate!"
But did you listen? Oh no. Well, cheer up, JT! Worse
things happen at sea! Look on the bright side of life!

The discussion yielded nothing. But it was becoming clear that these parents were going to keep harping on this, keep causing trouble, keep having their embarrassed kids stuck in the middle, until I relented. So, the "Satanic" guy, the one whose behavior was suspect, the one who was supposedly operating under an antic-Christ influence, rather than subject the kids to any more of this disgusting display of ignorance and non-Biblical behavior, did the Biblical thing and stepped aside.

People would use the word "resigned", and I had no qualms about correcting each and every instance I heard of it, and told them "No, I was forced out." I didn't quit. I was pretty much emotionally blackmailed into stepping aside. And I'd be damned if I'd let revisionist history get a foothold.

We were allowed to stay at the church, though. We could continue worshipping there and such, maybe even get involved in another area of ministry that simply didn't involve children. Wow. Thanks. That was mighty white of them. So in other words "We really can't find or prove any wrong-doing on your part, but just the same we want you to stay away from impressionable children."

Oh, and for the record, let's just make sure it's known that there was never even a hint of impropriety on my part in terms of inappropriate touching and such. The most that can be said in that area was that a couple of the girls developed crushes on me, and the knowledge of that made me take extra measures to make sure that there could never be any confusion in that area. Just needed to be said.

I honestly hope that those Christian parents who were so keen on controlling every minute aspect of their children's lives, ended up alienating them on some level and forcing them to think more for themselves. I hope that the tighter those parents closed their grip, the more star systems slipped through their fingers.

Losing My Religion
 I'll be blunt. The incident destroyed me. I had done nothing wrong, and the one group of people who were supposed to be my "family", had done me an enormous amount of harm. And as far as I was concerned, this completely upended a lot of what I was led to believe. At least the birth of my first son, John, in March of 1989 was such a happy occasion that it pushed a lot of the bad feelings away for some time.

But when the hoopla over the birth had receded and life returned to normal, there was still that big issue, reminding me that things were not as I had been repeatedly taught that they were supposed to be. I had been taught that things were black and white, with very few gray areas, if  any. It's right or wrong. It's Godly, or not. Good or evil. And yet what had happened was enormously wrong, and spoke very badly, in my opinion, about modern-day American Christianity.

"But John," I'm sure some would exclaim. "What did you expect? Did you expect the church to turn to those five families and say 'Leave if you want, but this guy's innocent, and we're not going to throw him under the bus!'"?

Yes. Yes, that's exactly what I expected. If I was doing nothing wrong and was actually adhering to the standards of the Bible and they weren't, then they were wrong, and they are the ones who should just shut up and go away. Or at least just shut up.

But what's the loss of one young married couple compared to a group of five well-established church families?

Because nothing bad can come from appeasement

God didn't dictate what had happened to me; numbers and expediency did. And the one person I had hoped would stand up for me, instead of being my Winston Churchill, wound up being a Neville Chamberlain.

That's when things started to change. Because even though, on the surface, everything looked as okay as could be expected, there was a LOT of damage below the waterline. Any attempts to repair that damage were insufficient. Water was rushing in, and this ship was listing.

Because it occurred to me, if they were wrong about this, if the whole "We're here for you and we're your family who loves and supports you" was not exactly true, if the whole "Well, there's right and wrong, but sometimes things get a little more complicated" was the way things in fact ran, then what else was up for debate and questioning? Perhaps things weren't as absolute as I had originally been led to believe.

Let me tell you, nothing cures someone of being judgmental like having those same guns of judgement being trained right back at you, and by the very people who you were working side by side with.

And that's why, aside from the core Christian beliefs of the Trinity, the Crucifixion and Resurrection, you know, pretty much what the Nicaean Creed puts forth, I started questioning and re-evaluating everything else.

It didn't help that, as time went on, I was increasingly aware of some extremely nice people who weren't Christians; good, moral, considerate, decent people. And on the other side, I became increasingly aware of a number of Christians who were, not to put too fine a point on it, miserable assholes, some whose behavior should at least be raising some eyebrows amongst even the most tolerant rank and file.

There was this big to-do in the nineties about teachers who were gay and how some parents were up in arms over this, not wanting their kids to be exposed to that. I think they were afraid that their kids would be exposed to those notorious Gay Waves(tm) that everyone knows that gay people radiate, and can affect anyone who's not wearing a tinfoil hat. But what happens when you have gay friends, and they are some of the nicest, most articulate, polite, creative people you've met, while there are some Christians you know that are kind of sketchy, and you wouldn't trust them in a room alone with your kids for all the money in the world?

And even though the act of abortion is an evil, do you really want to set the precedent of allowing the government the authority to determine what you can and can't do with your body? Once you allow the government (at any level) start making those choices for you, you open a door that can't be shut again. Is that really okay?

And what about the whole God and country thing? Is this really a Christian nation, or is it a nation with a lot of Christians? If we were to pass laws that are based on concepts beyond the basic Judeo-Christian tenets, then which branch of Christianity do we base those laws on? Catholicism? Baptists? Lutherans? Congregationalists? Whichever we chose would mean one sect would be happy, and the rest would be pissed, possibly feeling disenfranchised or excluded.

No. No, there was a lot to think and pray over. Something wasn't right here. Everything was unraveling save those aforementioned core beliefs. And mostly because I was starting to see that many of the things I had subscribed to, the attitudes and forms of behavior extrapolated from parts of the Bible, simply didn't make sense.

Exclusive photo of my faith circa 1994

Unless, of course, Christianity is supposed to be "Everyone else can twist the Bible to justify their actions, as long as they have the power and influence to get away with it." Somehow, I don't think so.

The Ship Goes Down
By the late 90's, everything fell apart. My marriage, going to church, it all went away. The bedrock I had ostensibly built my life on had turned to shifting sand, and everything came crashing down (wow, how many more metaphors can I cram into this blog entry?). I pretty much went insane during this time and acted out in ways I never imagined myself doing.

I don't want to sit here and say "Because things didn't go my way in 1989, I chucked out everything I believed in and pretty much went berserk." That's not the case. But when everything you've been taught for the past 15 years, everything you believed, the expectations that grew inside of you as a result of what you were told, suddenly comes crashing down in a major crisis, a situation where your ideals and the church that instilled them in you were supposed to step up to the plate and deliver but instead utterly failed, well, yes, you will undergo a seismic shift, and begin to question just how much BS you've been fed without realizing it.

Recovery
God didn't give up on me. My kids didn't give up on me. And a small circle of Godly, dedicated Christian friends didn't give up on me. Although it is amazing just how many Christians, when faced with the presence of sin, go absolutely berserk and end up making things far worse. Or at the very least, take the opportunity to show just how Godly they are by shunning the offender completely. Yeah, I'm sure Jesus is positively impressed with that. Three cheers and a tiger for you.

But the slow process of recovery had begun. And as it did, it began to occur to me that once you had the whole Trinity/Crucifixion/Resurrection part nailed down, and you were on board with the Ten Commandments and Christ's two commandments of loving God and loving your neighbor as yourself, the rest of it is up for discussion between you and your conscience, which, if the Bible is to be believed, is now influenced by the Holy Spirit.

And the final word on the whole parental D&D crisis was this: a glimmer of hope. Of those five sets of concerned parents, only one mother, just one, came up to me when the dust had settled, and, looking genuinely upset and contrite, said that she was sorry and asked for my forgiveness. She had said that things had been handled badly, and definitely not according to Biblical principles. She said that this wasn't the result she had hoped for, and asked again for my forgiveness. It was clear she was honestly bothered and sad about what had happened. So yes, I sincerely and honestly forgave her. And, as Christ commands us to forgive even those who don't ask for it, I've quietly forgiven the rest.

But I haven't forgotten, and the two things aren't mutually exclusive. I haven't forgotten, and the experience has colored my perception of churches, organized religion, and people who walk around with such holy airs where everything is "Jesus this" and "God that" and "Hallelujah amen!" I trust God. His people, not so much. More like a case by case basis. And the more they go out of their way to show their piety and holiness, the less I trust them. No, I've learned the hard way that the hands raised in public worship one moment can put a dagger in your back the next. Not all of them are like this, not even most of them. But all it takes is just a few to make your life a living Hell. Outward piety, in my opinion, is no longer a guarantee that you will be treated compassionately, decently, or in any way shape or form that Christ intended.

I should also say for the record that it wasn't just this one big nasty earth-shattering incident that drove me away from the conservative right-wing viewpoint. It accounted for only about 80% of it, and was the catalyst for the change, yes. The other 20% was made up of other things, including a few "Hey, wait a minute" moments, and a minor clash with the Board of Deacons of a conservative Baptist church.

And So Today...

Here is Truth. Everything afterwards is just guesswork.

I'm a Christian. Moderated somewhat, but still a believer. I'm no longer in the "raise your hands high and give me an amen, brother!" camp, but I'm not in the "Jesus was a nice guy; too bad he was killed; oh and the Bible is a nice piece of mythology" camp either. And I'm definitely not in the "this is all there is" camp.

I am in the "pray without ceasing every day, study the Bible, don't be a dick to people, and stick up for your faith if it's getting unfairly dragged through the mud" camp. Like when people on Facebook say things like "Those stupid Christians and their narrow-minded judgmental ideas. Anyone who believes in some big invisible guy in the sky is ignorant and superstitious!" That's when I speak up and go "Ahem. Christian here. Care to amend that just a tad?" It always disgusts amuses me when I read people's comments like "All Christians are bigots and hypocrites". Read that sentence again and let's ponder the irony of it.

I have no solid proof in the existence of God. I have no answers to things like "Where did Cain get his wife?" I don't know if Adam had a navel. All I know is some of the profound changes in me are things that cannot be explained away as "you did it yourself", or "that's just natural growth".  I know myself well enough to know what I'm capable of doing, sensing, feeling, and learning. There is a peace that transcends all understanding, and other matters of mind and soul that have no other explanation. I know He lives, and that's enough for me, and I will never be dissuaded from that.

And someday, we'll find a church that we're comfortable attending.  A church where the biggest concern about us is "Are you folks walking with God?" and less "How many beers do you have when you go out to dinner?", "Do you still game?", "Do you guys really dress up for Halloween?", or "Do you think gays should marry?" (For the record, the answers are: "Yes", "2 or 3 depending on the glass size", "Hell yes", "Yes, and sometimes on other days too", and "absolutely!").

In Parting, Some Lessons Learned

"This may come as a shock to you, but I
love that chain-smoking drag queen
just as much as I love you, Mister Bible
Study leader/church deacon!"

God is perfect; God is love; His people (myself included) are the biggest collection of mixed up, irrational, untrustworthy, imperfect, contrary individuals out there. There are atheists out there that are genuinely sweet, nice, kind, generous people. There are Christians out there that are loving, considerate, compassionate, and would give you the shirt off their backs. There are atheists out there who are wretched, nasty, judgmental people who actively hate religion so much that they want to see every trace eradicated. And there are Christians out there that are miserable, holier-than-thou hypocrites that try to show how "Godly" they are by looking down on others and shutting them out.

Tolerance doesn't mean that you compromise your own beliefs. But you can't thrust those beliefs on others, nor can you use your beliefs as a way of determining who has the rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness in our country. Get 20 Christians together and poll their opinions on 20 different issues, and I can guarantee you there will be far from unanimous agreement. And if that's so, then how can you honestly try to legislate Christian behavior into our society?

I think Christianity in our country has severely dropped the ball when it comes to politics and social issues. Rather than approaching society as a compassionate helping hand, too many of its members come across as cold, joyless, dogmatic, reactionary, intolerant, Rethuglican fossils who use the Bible as a crowbar to pry their way into people's private lives instead of as a means of spreading comfort, wisdom, and the good news.

The Bible says "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling'. It does NOT say "work out other people's salvation..." Take care of your own issues, but by all means help out others when asked. Follow Jesus' words and don't judge. You'll be surprised as to who you see in Heaven (and who you don't).

As a for instance, I recently saw a link on Facebook to an article called "Should a Christian get a tattoo?" Seriously? This is a thing? Frankly, I don't think God gives a damn if a Christian has ink, unless it's having "Satan Rules" (or, if the person is uneducated, "Satin Rulez") tattooed on their face. Now, me, I have no use for tattoos. But I also have no use for hunting, guns, smoking, or the Charismatic Christian movement. That doesn't mean I should go looking for Bible verses that somehow validates my tastes and positions, and inflict them on others. Hey, are you Christian who's a gun-toting, tattoo-wearing dude who enjoys going out on Saturdays and vaporizing a random deer every once in a while? Knock yourself out, God bless you. Enjoy. As long as you and God are on the same page. It's not my cup of meat, but it's also none of my business.

So, in other words, love God, love everyone around you, don't be an ass, and mind your own damn business, and let other people work out their own lives, hopefully with God's help. Oh, sure, there may be times when intervention is needed; heck that principle applies to situations that have nothing to do with religion. And if people ask for your help, your advice, your opinions, whatever, then absolutely, by all means you do so without hesitation.

G.K. Chesterton was right: “Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.”  This world needs more Pope Francises, and fewer Pat Robertsons. For that matter, fewer Richard Dawkinses as well.

Yeah, I believe in Jesus. So!?!?

And as for arguing/debating Christianity, I'm through. As Chuck, the youth pastor at Park Street's high school group (and eventually the college-age group) once said: "No one's ever been argued into the Kingdom of God." No one can dissuade me about God's existence, or Jesus' death/resurrection. I've heard every argument, and am not moved. In terms of trying to persuade others, it won't be by arguing or debating. If others can't see God's work in me, then it's my deficiency, not theirs. I refuse to get into the pointless back and forth of religious arguments, especially with the advent of social media, when people who I know in real life, face to face, generally nice people, can become screaming jackasses online. You want me to evangelize and proselytize? No thanks. You want to get together for a few beers and have an earnest discussion about faith? I'm there.

Here's a tip: if you do find yourself getting into an argument about the existence of God, and the doubter says something like "So you believe in some old bearded white guy who lives in the sky and punishes evil?", then stop the argument right there, and walk away. This person is not interested in intelligent discourse; rather, they just want to belittle you and your beliefs by painting them in the most ridiculous manner they can think of.

It's like my wife has said: "Never try to teach a pig to sing; it's a waste of time, and it annoys the pig."

Anyways, I'm done. Frankly, that felt good. It's my sincere wish that I enlightened and/or entertained more people than I pissed off. It'll be interesting to see if there's a drop in my Facebook friends or GooglePlus followings.

Oh, and one last thing. If there's anyone out there who was hurt by any words, actions, or attitudes I expressed back in those days, I am genuinely sorry and embarrassed for any grief I caused. I thought I had my head up in the clouds, communing with the angels; turns out instead I had my head up my ass.

Peace, and God bless.

Dungeons And Dragons (and Me): Part One

Dungeons and Dragons turns 40 this month, and considering how prominent a part of my life it's been, I'd be remiss if I didn't create a post series about it. In fact, I recently came to the sobering conclusion that there have been two major forces in my life that have shaped who and what I am, and those are Christianity and D&D, in that order. Furthermore, it's amazing how much those two forces have come together in my life.

So sit back and enjoy my reminiscing of how this crazy game, in all of its iterations, helped make me who I am today. Call it my way of celebrating this amazing hobby.

Anyways, allons-y!

The Beginning

Welcome to historic Park Street Church,
where I learned about God, gaming,
zombies in shopping malls, and
sex parasites

When I was in high school, I attended a Christian youth fellowship at Park Street Church in beautiful downtown Boston. PSC is a conservative Congregationalist Evangelical church, and is one of the heavy hitters in the New England church scene. It's even a stop on the Freedom Trail, since it's been around since the War of 1812.

It was in this church's teen group that a staff member introduced me to Avalon Hill wargames. I always enjoyed board games and history, and this staffer, named Bob, thought this would be right up my alley. So, I was brought into this hobby by Midway, a game that recreated the historic carrier battle. As high school progressed, I learned how to play Luftwaffe, Third Reich, Jutland, and Wooden Ships/Iron Men. I was satisfied with this hobby, and had heard very little about D&D at the time.

I had gone to Origins II, III, and IV (the annual national wargame convention) and had heard rumblings about D&D. But it seemed that wargamers hated the D&D people, and the D&D people hated the wargamers. Sort of like the feuds between the 19th century frontier cattlemen versus the sheep ranchers, only much stupider. In any event, I was a wargamer. D&Ders were stupid.

Then when I entered college in 1977, I began attending Park Street's college-age Christian fellowship, called Seekers. I met a guy there who ended up becoming a good friend of mine, a man named Bill Hussar. To this day I consider Bill my mentor, since he steered me in the direction of many aspects of geek culture.

Well, one day, Bill  invited me to play Dungeons and Dragons. His brother was going to be something known as a "Dungeon Master". Bill and I each rolled up three characters, and his brother ran us through a dungeon he made.

Incidentally, that's how we had to play D&D back then when we only had a few people around us that we knew of who played the game. You rolled up a handful of characters at once, watched in horror as many of them didn't make it, and odds were, you'd come out with a few strong ones that hung in there. Sort of like starting a family in the 17th and 18th centuries.

So anyway, we played that first game. That's when the sky opened up, the sun shone, and the angels sang.

I was hooked! I've always had a wild imagination and a big streak of creativity, and here I was exposed to the tools to let that creativity go nuts. I could create a world, and people could interact with it! After that first session, I went home and hurriedly tried my hand at creating a dungeon of my own. Naturally, this meant getting that nifty boxed set that had the dice that you had to color in the numbers with the crayons provided. The cover showed this fearsome dragon, in a dungeon (naturally), with a warrior and a wizard about to attack! AWESOME!

So yes, I learned how to play D&D thanks to my participation in a conservative church's college-age group. It was also thanks to people in this group that I was taken to my first George Romero movie (Dawn of the Dead), and was introduced to the movies of David Cronenberg. Yeah, I know. I'm still trying to figure that one out, and it was 35 years ago.

The Golden Age

If you can gaze upon the awesomeness that is
this cover and not want to play, then you
have no soul. None.

Anyways, this boxed set came with its own pre-made adventure, Into The Unknown. It had maps and room descriptions, but it let you fill in the monsters and treasure yourself. I was thrilled! All I needed to do was to find people to play!

In the summer of 1979 I moved in with four guys from MIT who lived in a triple-decker in Charlestown and were also fellow Seekers. Now, I'm sure you're thinking "Four MIT guys, eh? Sounds like fertile D&D fodder!" But no! No, they weren't. Even though one of them did in fact play (his name was Tim, and he had a cleric named....Tim). They were too busy working on theses and splitting atoms and doing other sciencey stuff. But the four women who lived downstairs, who also went to Seekers, ah, they were another story. They were intrigued enough to give it a try.

(Yeah, I was in an arrangement where I lived with four turbo-nerds, and adjacent to us were four women, and we all knew each other and were friends. It's was like "Big Bang Theory", except there were more women, no drinking, no sex, and it wasn't in California. And no one was from India. And no one was Jewish. And there was a lot more praying and Bible study. Otherwise, totally the same.)

They were hooked. So was I. And so, my first campaign began, with me as a newly minted Dungeon Master, and the all-female pack of players, although by all accounts at the time, women weren't really into this sort of gaming. Good thing we never really paid attention to all accounts.

But of course, the dungeon they ran through meant the players' characters needed a place to rest and heal up. So, I created the Three Crown Inn, with a recurring NPC, a young elven teenager named Noro Goldentree, using Tolkien as a means of giving me an idea what the heck to name an elf. He was the tavern boy who waited on the heroes and looked up to them. And of course, the inn and the dungeon needed to be placed somewhere, so I had to create a bit of land. And we'll put a forest here, a coastline here, and hey, there seems to be a lot of hawks who use the forest as a haven, so we'll refer to this area as Hawkhaven. Okay, that works.

As I bought more D&D modules, I'd sprinkle them in this newly created land, expanding its borders, adding more details like roads, more inns, a town or two, a city, rivers, swamps. I was beside myself. I had finally found my element!

The land wasn't the only thing that expanded. As more people heard of the game and how much fun

Uh..no.

we were having, they wanted to join as well. The fifth player yet was another woman. Someone outside the group suggested I name the group "Johnny's Angels". I wasn't amused. Then we got our first guy, one of my roomies who wasn't doing the thesis thing yet. Then Bill joined in occasionally. Then a floodgate of people from Seekers joined the game.

Things got so insane that we had to play at the Miles Standish dorm at Boston University, commandeering one of the common areas, and played on Saturday nights pretty much from 6 pm to oh, whenever. And since Seekers met on Sunday evenings, we didn't have to worry about getting up for church on Sunday mornings. We'd sleep in on Sunday morning, then go to the Seekers meetings in the late afternoon, hit the evening service, then back to the second Seekers meeting. So we played till all hours the night before with no ill effect.

In fact, I recall one game that went rather late, and ended with the party getting a huge haul of treasure (of course), and let me tell you, people dickered over that pile of treasure with a level of conviction and avarice that would make a pack of  red dragons blush. I remember passing out, seated upright with my back against a dresser, then regaining consciousness as a beam of the rising sun shone through a window and struck my face, while the players adamantly made their cases for who'd get the +5 shield from the treasure hoard. Apparently, the Vorpal Blade had already been allocated.

This period was the crazy insane time, the time that most of us old gaming farts remember with mixed measures of fondness and horror. My average group size was around sixteen people. By this time, the holy trinity of D&D books had come out: The AD&D Players Handbook, The Dungeon Master's Guide, and the Monster Manual! JOY! More classes! More monsters! More treasure! And hey, psionics! You could blow up people's brains, just like in Scanners!

And, Hawkhaven became a sort of bizarre Monty Haul/Kitchen Sink hybrid that incorporated ideas from Lord of the Rings, the Narnia Chronicles, Earthsea, Arthurian Legends, and some greasy steak and cheese sub-inspired dreams from the night before. Then, when Deities and Demigods came out, things got REALLY nuts.

See, when the original Deities and Demigods came out, TSR (the makers of D&D) threw together stats for a wild selection of pantheons: Greek, Egyptian, Japanese, Norse, American Indian, Indian, Finnish, Babylonian..it was nuts. But unfortunately (for them, anyway), they also included some intellectual properties that they weren't supposed to: namely the worlds of Elric of Melnibone, and Fafhrd and the Grey Mouser. Oh, and one other, a mythos that made me ask a fateful question:

"What's a Cthulhu?"

Incidentally, TSR was eventually brought up to speed on the whole "using other authors' copywritten work was BAD" concept and had to pull the Melnibonean, Nehwon, and Lovecraftian material out of Deities and Demigods, and release a new edited version. I'm proud to say I still have my original Deities and Demigods, though it was slightly damaged by a rabbit.

Don't ask.

Anyways, as the DM, I let people choose whichever god they wanted to worship. Nothing was rejected; I simply absorbed it into the game and made it work. But, speaking of worship and gods...

Onward, Christian Paladins

An excerpt from the rollicking comedy pamphlet
"Dark Dungeons" by Chick Publications

What needs to be stated here for the record is that every single one of us was a practicing Christian. Yes, that's right. Every. Last. One of us. We all came from Seekers, so what do you expect? Naturally, this caused some friction and raised eyebrows in other quarters of the group, since this is also when the stories about how D&D was absolutely positively corrupting our youth were starting to circulate. You know the drill, it's evil, it's Say-tanic, green pea soup spouting everywhere, heads revolving completely around, dogs and cats living together...

Anyways, since we were all Christians, I allowed people to choose God as their character's deity, especially if it helped overcome any reservations they had about the game as a whole. Naturally, that meant their character needed to be either Lawful Good or Chaotic Good.

And we started every session with a word of prayer. No joke. Swear to God (oops). Among other reasons, it made the whole evening seem more like an organized gathering of Christians for the purposes of fellowship, you know? So, we'd start with a word of prayer, and soon be hip deep in orc blood, giant viscera, and undead. And arguing over stuff. And doing barmaids.

Of course, you throw together over a dozen people ranging in age from late teens to early 20's, and you know there's going to be drama. There were real-life romantic triangles played through each person's respective characters, arguments, grudges, shouting matches, the usual. Hey, I said we were all Christians; I said nothing about perfection! I shudder to imagine what it would have been like if there had been alcohol served. But there was none, because Christians.

And people who did stuff in the game that annoyed others, would carry that around for a long time. Sort of like how you never forget your friend who dropped the ball in the 9th inning during that big softball game. One player's Ranger ran away from an encounter while everyone else got blasted by red dragon's breath, and let me tell you, that player was NEVER allowed to forget it. You know, the usual gamer insanity.

The quests got crazier and yet also more over the top fun. Battling liches who turned player characters into giant cucumbers and ate them, or finding the Holy Grail, or battling Orcus, or exploring the sunken island of R'lyeh. Nothing was off-limits. No adventure too weird, no treasure too big. Except I never sent them looking for the One Ring. That would have just been stupid.

A few of the more hard-core members of Seekers express
concerns about Dungeons and Dragons

Well, anyways, Seekers leadership never interfered with the game nor suggest we stop. A few people did have misgivings and suspicions about it, expressed in a variety of ways, including bad poetry.

Which made it all the funnier when in the summer of 1980 I ended up being appointed to a leadership role in that very group! I was a member of Seekers summer staff that year, and in fact, four other members of staff were also avid AD&D players, and a fifth player was an avid wargamer. Our infiltration was complete (insert evil laughter here).

But like all good things, this one had to come to an end. As people graduated college and moved on from Seekers, the group began to dwindle. Boston being a college town that lures in students from all over the country (and the world), a lot of Seekers who attended school consequently left the area when they graduated.

So there I was, looking to continue the game going by rallying together the people who remained in the area. Fortunately, I had a good solid core to work with since a good number ended up staying, and soon we supplemented our ranks with new blood. This set the stage for the eighties!

Next time: AD&D goes 2nd Edition, and I go pro.

Photo Credits: Park Street Church, ArcticJane

Harry Potter Doesn''t Go To Church

I've known for a while now that Daniel Radcliffe is an atheist, but was reminded of it recently when someone on Facebook posted a picture of him with some quote where he basically disparages religion.

Now, I'm a Christian who has his own issues/doubts about how organized religion handles things (watch for my upcoming post "How Christianity In America Has Pretty Much Hosed Itself, Thereby Creating Fertile Ground For Atheists To Regurgitate Their Own Unique Brand Of Idiocy"), but stepping out of that mindset and looking at his quote as objectively as possible, one sentence came to mind (two, if you want to count accio whogivesacrap):

"What makes his opinion have any more weight than anyone elses?"

Which then led to another question:

"What makes any celebrity's opinion any better or more worth subscribing to than anyone elses?"

Whether it's politics, religion, health issues, child rearing, whatever. Whether it's left, right, centrist, who cares. Seriously, why does it matter? Is it that we want affirmation of our own opinions so we post celebrity quotes that reinforce that, thereby trying to imply to others that we're somehow right because Jim Carrey says so? Or do we actually think that their opinion carries more weight because they're famous?

Noted psycho Jenny McCarthy has crusaded ignorantly against child vaccinations. Some people apparently have actually listened to her, and there are still some media outlets that give her air time to express these wrongheaded views. And what are her qualifications? She posed for Playboy, did a bunch of stuff on former music video channel MTV, did some movies, and reproduced. Wow. Eminently qualified.

Has-been rocker Ted Nugent is a gun nut and has no reservations about blathering his special form of insanity whenever given the opportunity. And his qualifications are...? He is a rock musician and a gun owner. Amazing.

Being a famous person does not mean you are any smarter, any wiser, any better-informed than anyone else walking around today. Thus, a famous person's opinion should carry no more weight than the guy who's driving a cab, or the lady who lives next door with her 34 cats.

Hell, we've already seen that being an elected official doesn't mean you're not staggeringly stupid. All it means is that you managed to find enough people even dumber than you to vote for you. We refer to this as the Michelle Bachmann Syndrome.

And this spins off into celebrity endorsements for products and services. So some actor says "Drink this", or "Use this." Some baseball player says "Buy this." These people are paid to say these things. It doesn't mean they use the product or that it's any good. It's manipulation (on that note, watch for my upcoming post, "Why Advertisements Featuring Hot Women Selling Stuff Annoys The Living Crap Out Of Me").

Whether it's an "aw shucks, flag-wavin', yee-haw, 'murica, good ol' boy" country singer, or some Hollywood leftist limousine liberal. Whether it's a home run king or a star forward on a soccer team. No one should consider what these people say, what they believe, as somehow more important, more meaningful, more right, than the opinions of the average Joe or Jane.

Now, this doesn't mean that we can't hold up these people as role models or examples of success in their particular field. You can be inspired to become a singer, actor, athlete, writer, whatever, by the stories of famous people in the respective field. That's not the issue. If I want inspiration, advice, or an example for how to become a successful writer, I'll turn to Stephen King or Dean Koontz. If I want to know the issues of the day and what the different sides are, I'll look them up and draw my own conclusions.

Think for yourself. Research the issues yourself. Don't take some sports dude or some actor's opinion as gospel. Collect the facts, look back at your own life's experiences, and arrive at your own decisions. Enjoy and celebrate the accomplishments of famous people; cheer them on in sports, be entertained, even moved, by their performances. But as for how you live your life, figure it out for yourself.