Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Red Sox Clubhouse Woes Mount Amidst Allegations of Cthulhu Worship
The Red Sox organization and Red Sox Nation in general, already reeling from the worst September collapse in MLB history and allegations of unprofessional conduct in the clubhouse, was further shaken today in the wake of allegations that certain members of the Red Sox engaged in the worship of dread Cthulhu.
Unnamed Sources claim that, after the All-Star break, several "respected veteran members" of the team brought in a copy of the blasphemous Necronomicon of Abdul Al Azhred and led several of the more impressionable younger members of the team in chants to the Elder God and other beings of the so-called Cthulhu Mythos.
Mr. Sources further went on to say that the ring-leaders were notorious beer-drinking, chicken-eating starting pitcher Josh Beckett, respected veteran catcher Jason Varitek, and beloved veteran knuckleballer Tim Wakefield.
"Oh yeah, the whole pitching staff was there at our dark rites," Beckett told Unnamed in a confidential, off-the-record, don't breathe a word to this to nobody interview. "In fact, we pitchers were actually the cult leaders. Well, all of us except for John Lackey, who has enough trouble with the English language, let alone eldritch phrases such as 'Cthulhu ftaghn!'. So, rather than being a leader, he served as our lackey. Get it? John Lackey? Our lackey? Haw!"
According to Sources, most of the rites were chanted during the singing of "Sweet Caroline". "While the crowd as singing 'Sweet Caroline. Bom! Bom! Bom!," Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester explained, "We in the dugout were singing 'Sweet Azathoth! Ia! Ia! Ia!"
There had been disturbing hints that things "weren't quiet right" in the Red Sox clubhouse during the latter half of the season, mostly ominous things said by various members of the team. Tim Wakefield had been overheard saying that he was going to supplement his knuckleball with a "non-Euclidian" pitch. When the Red Sox were being written off as dead in September, Beckett was heard to say "That is not dead which can eternal lie."
This latest example of unprofessional clubhouse behavior has sent fresh shockwaves through the MLB community. Former Red Sox meathead Johnny Damon, who is never at a loss for a quote if there's a microphone within 60', was stymied from saying anything due to spending 20 unsuccessful minutes trying to say the word 'Cthulhu'.
The Yankees organization, meanwhile, was delighted at this latest stain on the Red Sox reputation. "This worship of Elder Gods is unacceptable!" thundered Hank Steinbrenner, "If they really wanted to worship evil entities, the Red Sox should have done like we Yankees do, and worship Satan!"