New Patriots Charges: Malcolm Butler Is A Telepath

New charges have surfaced against the New England Patriots, already reeling from accusations of using deflated balls and being implicated in the ensuing Wells report. According to Seahawks' quarterback Russell Wilson, the only way that Patriots' rookie cornerback Malcolm Butler could have intercepted Wilson's throw was if Butler could read minds.

"Now that I have had some time to think of it, there's no way in Hell that Butler should have been able to intercept my throw," Wilson snarled in a recent interview with Sports Overreaction Desk. "It's clear to me that he's some kind of mind reader. The Patriots cheated by having some dude who reads minds in their lineup. Nothing that team does surprises me anymore!"

The charges have raised a huge outcry as millions of people have immediately accepted the accusation has absolutely true, despite the complete absence of a single iota of actual proof.

The NFL, which is currently butt-hurt over their serial ineptness in the area of player discipline, investigations, and punishments over the last couple of years, immediately commissioned crack investigator Theodore "Snack" Wells to investigate these charges, and compile a report that backs up the accusation.

Pictured: Respected attorney Wells

The Wells investigation into the new scandal, dubbed "Mentalgate", has resulted in Wells releasing the following statement:

"After a painstaking investigation in which we overlooked several facts that contradicted our preliminary findings, I can say that beyond the shadow of a doubt that Malcolm Butler may possibly be a mind reader. Maybe. Sort of.

"There is the possibility that Butler is either a mutant or a representative of the next stage of human evolution. We have subpoenaed a Professor Charles Xavier, and reached out to an organization called PsiCorps for possible corroboration.

"Although we have found no evidence to support the idea that Butler can read minds, at least no proof we could pull out of our asses on such short notice, we also found no evidence that he's not a mind reader. Thus, this investigation concludes that the New England Patriots may or may not have willfully or unintentionally acquired someone who may or may not be a mind reader, which may or may not have unfairly influenced the game, and....

"Oh, screw it. Let's just say they're guilty. They're all guilty. Everyone in the organization is guilty as a puppy sitting next to a smile pile of poo. Butler's guilty, Brady's guilty, Belichick's guilty, Kraft is guilty and his macaroni and cheese sucks!"

Punishment has yet to be determined, but it's certain to be a fair, even-handed disciplinary action that in no way could be possible deemed excessive.

With the New England Patriots now being blamed for everything from global warming to the formation of ISIS, the team has now overtaken the New York Yankees as the most hated professional sports team in America.

On a related note, numerous unverified reports have surfaced of a drunken, half-naked Alex "Slappy" Rodriguez running around Yankee Stadium yelling "Woo hoo!" and giving unwanted fist-bumps to unwilling bystanders.

Hawkhaven Pathfinder Campaign #4: Dead Man's Quest, Recaps 1 and 2

The conclusion of our old campaign meant that naturally it was time to start up a new one. The following post contains the first two recaps of our monthly sessions. As an experiment this time around, I'm inserting some DM's commentary, presented in italics; call it Designer's Notes, Observations, and Editorializing. By adding these notes, I hope to give people an insight on the campaign's inner workings, perhaps mention a few spots where things could've turned out differently, and even simply provide some color commentary. If it works out well, I may consider making it a regular feature.

ROSTER- Dead Man’s Quest

Ragnar (Augie)- Male Human Bloodrager from Norgheim

Melora (Carol)-  Female Human Sorceress from Norgheim, with a frost-related bloodline

Grumm (Chappy)- Male Half-Orc Barbarian

Azarus (Chris)- Male Human Wizard from Lundarian Free Lands, with Necromancer specialty

Gaspar (Dibs)- Male Human Oracle from Lundarian Free Lands, with the Time mystery

Tolg (James)-  Male Hobgoblin Warpriest of Bellorum, God of War

Gerik  (John)- Male Tiefling Barbarian from Lundarian Free Lands

Pandar Goldsmith IV (Kevin)- Male Dwarf Fighter

Moribund (Matt)- Male Dwarf Inquisitor

Millicent (Noelle)- Female Catfolk Fighter from Aguitania

Sverd(Seth)- Male Ravenfolk Rogue from Norgheim

Character Observations/Notes

Right off the bat, this is an odd party. There are three people who hail from Norgheim (my campaign's equivalent of a Norse culture, with Vikings, Thor, longboats, Spam, the usual), and a fourth one due in when we do Chapter Three. Furthermore, Aguitania is my campaign's version of Medieval France, and Lundar is a former kingdom and now fragmented mess where the campaign happens to be set.

In my world, Hobgoblins are a viable PC race that don't have that whole goblin stigma. Think of Lt.Worf from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Ordinarily, I'd consider Ravenfolk to be strictly a native Nihoni (Japanese) race, but the player, Seth, noted that Odin's symbol is the raven, and thus having Norgheim ravenfolk would make sense. Point made.

John gave his character an elaborate back-story, filled with pain and tragedy. The town his character got away from just so happens to be the town that the party is heading for. This is why I love back-stories; it gives people more challenges and opportunities for character development.

Pandar Goldsmith is the great-great grandson of Kevin's original character in my campaign back in the early 80's. Nice to have some continuation, despite a 2,000 year gap! Grimm the half-orc is basically a blunt instrument, and apparently a retainer in the Goldsmith family.

Gaspar is an old guy, with the usual attributes bonuses and penalties levied. Dibs apparently already has a backup character ready when if this fragile, weak old soul bites the dust.

Melora is a cold-oriented sorceress, and Carol has already gone on record as saying "Don't call me Elsa!" The other arcane spell-caster, Azarus, is a Necromancer specialist wizard. This character was an apprentice of a Necromancer that the previous campaign's group had a working relationship with, so there's some nice continuity there.

Campaign Notes

I had wanted to start this campaign out in a manner I hadn't done before. I was tired (and I guessed that my players were as well) of the usual "You gather in a tavern and are approached by some guy in a suit robe", or the ever-popular "You all are hired to be caravan guards, body guards, coast guards, mouth guards, whatever".

So I thought...hey why not have some guy who's like an 8th level fighter, who prefers to work alone, and who is embarking on a quest, but dies en route? In fact, let's throw in some irony; despite all of his magic items and his experience and prowess, it turns out he has a fatal allergy and ends up dying alone from a bug bite.

But then came the whole question of how the group got together in the first place. Since the past campaign's main theme revolved around a warlord's plan for the unification of an old fragmented kingdom, only to have it foiled by those meddling kids the players, I figured it was only right to show the results. It was time to bring up the consequences of a lack of cohesion and order in the would-be kingdom. It didn't matter that the man trying to unite the old kingdom was an unprincipled jackhole with dubious methods. His ambitions were thwarted, his armies disbanded, and as a result the countryside is now crawling with disgruntled unemployed mercenaries who have plenty of weapons and very little scruples.

A call goes out for people to help deal with the threat. The player characters are on the way!

Chapter One: Dead Man’s Quest

November 8th-13th, 316 PE (January 17^th, 2015)

Roll Call: Azarus, Gaspar, Gerik, Grumm, Melora, Millicent, Moribund, Pandar, Ragnar, Sverd, Tolg

Six months before the start of this campaign, a mysterious charismatic leader known as the Warlord failed in his bid to unite the fragmented Kingdom of Lundar. Having his plans foiled by the adventurers in the previous campaign and being ignominiously taken prisoner, his armies disbanded and fell apart. All of the levies and conscripts returned to their homes, while the mercenaries had mixed reactions; some were happy to simply pocket the money they had been paid thus far, and leave. Some, however, felt cheated and decided to take up a new and exciting career as bandits, forming themselves into numerous robber gangs and terrorizing the roads.

               

In recognition of this development, the Imperial City of Valgaroth, now without the services of the Imperial Marines, sent out word to all budding adventurers that there was work to be done in and around the city.  It was this offer that induced the members of our new little group (okay maybe not so little), to individually book passage on a sailing ship from Aguitania, bound for Anchorage, in order to go to the Imperial City and seek their fortune..

Unfortunately, this is November, and ocean storms are frequent. Barely a day out of port, the vessel ran aground due to a storm.  Although no one was lost, the ship was rendered useless. Everyone had the choice of either returning to Aguitania and trying again, or simply striking northwards on foot. Our group, including some other random passengers, chose the latter course.

Some of the random passengers eventually left of their own volition while others wandered off during an incidence or two of poor visibility until conveniently it was down to our eleven heroes.  Fortunately, they found an old established road that ran north-south, and followed it. They traveled on foot for five days, and on the fifth day, around noon, the group noticed a flock of carrion birds circling in the distance.

Upon investigation, the party discovered a pair of dead giant hornets, each the size of a deer, near the dead body of an armored man. Gaspar noted that the poison used by the hornets shouldn’t have killed the man, just paralyzed or slowed him down. Ragnar kept watch for any more hornets while Azarus and Tolg checked the body. Tolg used his skill to ascertain that the deceased had been allergic to hornet venom and had actually ended up dying of anaphylactic shock!

(And not a single +2 epi-pen in sight...)

While Millicent began digging a grave for the fallen warrior, Moribund cast a Detect Magic spell and discovered that the fallen traveler was positively loaded with magical items, while Sverd emptied out the dead man’s backpack and found a lot of conventional, general use items.  Azarus, along with Gaspar and Ragnar, began identifying the various magic items. The group also found his journal, which identified the victim as Glano the Unready, a professional treasure-hunter who had set out to find a collection of valuable items known as the Black Scrolls. The journal revealed Glano to be a bit of a blow-hard who really wanted his adventures to be sung about and told around campfires.

(Millicent did a smart thing here. If Glano hadn't been buried, his spirit would have haunted the PCs until he was given a decent burial.)

Some other folks in the group noticed a low hum coming from a point beyond the clearing. Ragnar quickly handed out the identified magical items to various people.  While everyone sort of stood around wondering what to do next, Millicent and Grumm cut to the chase and strode boldly towards the source of the noise, inducing the rest of the party to follow. Approaching the sound, the group found a large dead tree that had been turned into a big nest for more giant hornets. Even worse, a few corpses had been incorporated as nesting material, although at least they had STUFF!

Melora cast a Ray of Frost at a hornet, and it stuck to the tree and began to slow down. Grumm threw a flask of oil at a hornet and Ragnar followed up by throwing a Campfire Bead at the splashed oil, which ignited and started a smoky fire. Moribund threw an Acid spell, and Gaspar cast Sanctuary. Ragnar, Gerik, Pandar, Grumm, and Millicent all charged in and started making some great hits. Tolg closed distance and cast Murderous Rage on one hornet, and Sverd used stealth to sidle up to the tree without the hornets noticing.

Of course, the smoke and the frost are doing a number on the hornets as well. The smoke is making them drowsy, and the cold is slowing them down. That, coupled with the sudden ferocious attack, went a long way towards rendering the insects’ counter-attack feeble.

(The rules description of giant hornets makes no mention of a weakness to cold or smoke, but real life flying insects like bees and hornets are susceptible to it, so I put it in. Well done to the players!)

After the hornets were swiftly defeated, Moribund and Gaspar perform several castings of Create Water on the still burning tree in order to stop the flames. The rest of the group pried the remains of the unfortunate victims and checked for any interesting magic items or wealth, finding a few nice things.

In the midst of identifying the new items, an entrancing melody drifted in from the west, courtesy of a trio of harpies roosting in a tree (who were attracted by the rising plume of smoke from the burning tree..HAAH!). Half the party fell victim to the harpies’ singing and began to move toward them, charmed.  Pandar quickly shot a screaming bolt that distracted two of the harpies, and Melora used an Ice Rod to create a sheet of ice on the tree, making all the three harpies slide out of the tree and fall to the ground, which stopped the trio from singing altogether.

(Important safety tip from Egon. Rising plumes of smoke + the noise of battle = more wandering monsters)

Battle commenced, with Gerik, Grumm, and Pandar doing some heavy damage to the prone harpies. Although one managed to connect on Millicent, the combined power of the melee group took the monstrosities down in quick time. Once they had fallen out of the tree and were prone, they were doomed.

Once the fighting stopped, Gaspar detected magic beyond the tree and found a pit filled with the remains of the harpies’ past victims, as well as some objects glistening in the muck. Melora performed the unpleasant and disgusting task of fishing out some items from the charnel pit. After cleaning and identifying the magical items, the group decided to leave the area and move east down the road to an inn known as the Black Sphinx, which was marked on the dead adventurer’s map and referenced in his journal.

At the inn, the party studied Glanor’s journal a little more, and based on what they learned, decided to retrace his steps back to his residence in the nearby city of Ulverston. Once they got there, Pandar visited with Skareth, Glanor’s next door neighbor mentioned in his journal, and informed him of Glanor’s fate. The rest of the group went to check out the house. Pandar further suggested that Skareth take possession of Glanor’s home, as the latter left no will and had no relatives to speak of. The group looked through Glanor’s home and found more clues as to what he was doing.  They also managed to find his backup stash of stuff!

                 

The group took a portion of Glanor’s retirement stash for themselves and left the rest to the next door neighbor.  Pandar also took the other fourteen volumes of Glanor’s journals, with the intent of giving them to a bard in order to have them turned into songs and stories. While staying at the Warrior’s Rest Inn, the group divided up the rest of the party treasure, decided “Hey, let’s take Glanor’s quest as our own!” and crashed for the evening.

(Pandar did a good thing here. Although the party had Glano's house keys, his house was being watched by the neighbors, who knew he was going off on a quest. Almost a dozen strangers entering a house in the neighborhood would have resulted in the City Watch being called, and the place surrounded by a dozen crossbow-wielding guards and a short-tempered Inquisitor)

So, next morning, the group purchased mounts and retraced their steps westward. They traveled for several days until they reached the Crossroads Inn, an extremely old establishment located where The Great Trade Road and the Path To Knowledge intersect. There’s an ancient graveyard across the road, and a hangman’s gibbet down the road a ways. Nice neighborhood.

While relaxing in the inn’s common room, the group noticed a group of five well-off individuals enjoying themselves in that loud, annoying, boisterous manner. There was a pair of grizzled warriors sitting at another table, close to the loud people, keeping a dutiful watch on them.  The so-called upper class folk took notice of our heroes, and openly snickered at them while commenting amongst themselves, behavior which Pandar took exception to.

The dwarf approached their table, introduced himself, shaking the hand of Lord Snaught, the perceived leader, and used his great strength to crush the rich man’s hand. The pair of rough-looking warriors, Alborian mercenaries working as bodyguards for the upper-crust folks, stood up and told Pandar to stop. The dwarf replied that he would break their arms if they didn’t stand down. In response, one of the Alborians head-butted Pandar (a much-favored Alborian way of expressing one’s objections), which in turn set off Gerik into a rage.

(The three nobles were called Lord Snaught, Earl Shibe, and Duke Coverl. I apologize for all three. Really. Oh, and Alborians are my campaign's version of Scotsmen)

Gaspar realized that Gerik’s big weakness was about to cause the simple barroom brawl to escalate into a bloody melee, so he used one of his Oracle mystery powers to erase Gerik from all time and space for one round. Grumm drew his weapon and cross checked the two Alborians to the floor. Gwen, the bard at the rich people table started playing a tune to inspire to the Alborians, which in turn drew Millicent into the fray; and she grabbed the bard’s lute. Gerik reappeared and Gaspar erased him from time and space one last time. Gaspar pleaded with his compatriots to help take care of the great raging barbarian, who would be returning, still raging, next round.

(Millicent's original intention was to defend the bard from harm. Once she realized that the woman was actually working with the rich guys, she grabbed the lute and smacked her with it)

The inn’s bouncer demanded that everyone involved stand down, and people slowly obeyed. Gerik reappeared again and Ragnar grappled him to hold him off. Sverd, who seemed to have slipped away during the brawl, spoke up and bought two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, something which calmed the situation further.  Our heroes then dragged the raging barbarian to a private dining room so that he could calm down.

(Quick thinking by Gaspar there. Gerik's flaw is that if he sees battle, even a barroom brawl, he launches into very real, very fatal, combat. John's character has more issues than TV Guide).

In the interim, a pair of hobgoblin warriors visited the private room and paid their respects to Tolg, as he is a warpriest of Bellorum (god of war) and asked for a blessing. They also thanked Sverd for the two rounds of drinks that the ravenfolk bought for the room (gee, wonder where Sverd got that money…?).

After the hobgoblins leave, the group was approached by a pair of well-off people, a brother and sister, from the City of Gold, with the offer of a job. Introducing themselves as Aloysius and Drusila Banbury, they told the story of their nasty vindictive mother who died a few years back and was buried in the crumbling old family fault in the cemetery across the way from the inn.

The old woman had been buried with a locket and brooch that the siblings had originally been promised. Furthermore, the old bat had arranged for a curse to be placed on the vault door so that it couldn’t be opened until after sundown. You know, that time when undead manifest more often? Clearly, the old woman was a piece of work (or a piece of something, anyway).

So, the siblings wondered if the group would please venture into the cemetery at night and, using the key that the siblings provide, go into the crypt and fetch the items that their mother vindictively had buried with her?? They offered the group 500 gp each for their efforts. However, Tolg questioned their motives and eventually the two broke down and explained that back in the City of Gold, where their family is from, there was a hidden ancestral treasure vault, and the map to it could only be read when the brooch and locket were brought together to create a lens viewer.

Pandar spoke up and declared that the group would do it, but the price was 1,000 gp each. The siblings decided to think it over and talk with the group in the morning.

(I ran a huge risk setting this situation up as I did. Many of the situations and locales involved some impressive stashes of loot. But in order to actually run into them all and really hit the jackpot, the party had to make a certain series of choices. Well, they did. For instance, if they hadn't investigated the buzzing, they would have never encountered the giant hornets and the resulting loot. Or if they did encounter them but not set the tree on fire, the harpies wouldn't have come, and that chance for treasure would have been lost. More importantly, the party could have just simply headed off on Glanor's quest and not retraced his steps back to his house, meaning they wouldn't have found those bits of his stash that he couldn't take with him because he was already loaded up enough. I took the chance, and the party walked away with some cool stuff with proportionately little risk . Well played.)

Chapter Two:  Time For Side Quests

November 14-22nd, 316 PE (February 28, 2015)

Roll Call: Gerik, Grumm, Pandar, Ragnar, Sverd, Tolg, Tzanami

In the morning, the group and the Banburys met over breakfast and came to an agreement, meeting about halfway on the price. During this time, Millicent decided to leave the group (who knows, maybe she saw a bird and got distracted). Fortunately, a young Nihoni monk from the Fire tradition had her interest piqued by the group and asked to join in (convenient, no?). The party was intrigued enough by this Lawful Good monk that they decided to let her into the group.

(Sometimes, players get PC Remorse, where the original idea they had doesn't seem as awesome once they start playing it. I have a house rule that allows switching out a character provided it's only 1st or 2nd level. I also allow retroactive tinkering with Feats, Traits, and the like, provided none of the ones to be swapped out have been used in a critical capacity thus far).

All that was left was for the group to wait for dusk, so they spent the day just kicking around the inn until sundown. Then they entered the cemetery and headed for the Banbury family crypt. They arrived at the tomb, opened it with the key, and headed downstairs where the old woman was buried along with two other relatives.  They found the jewelry alright, but the old woman rose as a coffer corpse and the two other dead family members buried down there arose as wights.

To make matters worse, sounds came from the upstairs to indicate that things up there were waking up as well, and sure enough, the skeletal remains of older Banburys animated and shuffled downstairs, with the intent of cutting off any escape.

Fortunately, the party managed to throttle all of the undead and run out of the tomb, eager to find the gate leading out. However, someone in the party pointed out that there was no need to find the exact exit; as they could just hop the fence, which they did, and booked it back to the inn. Hey, Occam’s Razor.

Aloysius and Drusila were delighted with the results. They took a liking to the party, and asked if they’d mind escorting the pair on the three-day journey west to Heldren Keep. Though the Banburys did have a body guard, the idea of an entire troop of guards sounded far more attractive (and safer!). A fair price was reached, and they left in the morning.

The three-day journey down the Great Trade Road to the keep was uneventful, the easiest money any guard could make. Once safely in the keep, the Banburys thanked them, saying that they would hire some muscle from the local Mercenary Guild in order to escort them the rest of the way back to the City of Gold. As a parting gesture, the Banburys paid for the party’s stay at the Lock and Bolt, a secure inn that caters to their kind.

The party spent a day conducting business at the keep, and then headed out the following morning. While camped out during one night, a dozen brigands approached the party in three groups of four, proceeding as stealthily as possible. However, the watch spotted them and raised the alarm, and a fight began.

The brigands (one of those previously mentioned after-effects of the failed reunification of the kingdom) were surprised at the level of resistance the party offered, and pretty soon the latter got the upper-hand. The final two brigands surrendered, the other ten having been killed.

When the brigands were secured, Pandar took his axe and tried to chop off one of the brigand’s hands, saying that this was how robbers were dealt with back home.  Tolg was furious, as he abides by a strict military code which includes the humane treatment of prisoners. The two got into a rather animated shouting match and it looked like they were going to come to blows, which was unfortunate, since this meant that Grumm, who was Pandar’s retainer, would be honor-bound to enter the fight, after which Gerik, who cannot witness a fight without going berserk and wading in with weapons, would jump in as well.

Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed and everyone stood down. Tolg healed the brigand’s hand, and the pair of bad guys were tied up and brought with the party in the hopes that someone back at the Crossroads Inn would be able to take them off the party’s hands and deliver them to some authorities.

(This whole incident was a perfect example of two people of the same alignment, in this case Lawful Neutral, who come from different backgrounds and thus experience a culture clash. In this case, we had a hobgoblin whose society is honorable and militaristic, where a foe who surrenders is treated honorably, and a dwarf who says that, back home, thieves get their hands chopped off. For the record, that must be a thing reserved for robberies done on that family's property, since the Dwarven kingdom of Hahta-Durzak gives convicted robbers and thieves an all-expense paid trip to the nearest mine, with picks, shovels, and leg irons provided free, for a period measured in years)

When the party reached the Crossroads, they were lucky to find a pair of Rangers who were more than happy to escort the two robbers to the nearest place of incarceration. With that done, the party once more relaxed at the inn and waited to rejoin their friends for whatever the future brings.

A 21st Century Christmas Blessing

Our Christmas Tree topper for this year

May the Lord grant you a drama-free Christmas, with no family conflicts, sudden bad news, or any other last-minute crises.

May His hand shield you as you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, otherwise known as the malls. May the escalators rise up to meet you, absent of unattended screaming children. May He defend your car against crappy drivers in the parking lots. May His anger burn swift and harsh against those who take up two spaces for the sake of preserving their precious car's paint job. May He send flocks of poop-loaded birds to cover such a car, and may a deep freeze set in seconds later.

May you not purchase an item at one store, only to find it available at half off somewhere else two weeks later.

When you do your online Christmas shopping, may the Lord defend your computer, financial information, and IP address from thieves and hackers

The Lord guard and keep your bank account and credit card balances, and may you be spared overlimit fees.

May He grant you infinite patience and mercy when you're subjected to the 14th consecutive showing of "A Christmas Story".

...and if you are the one inflicting this torture on others, may the Lord have mercy on your soul.

May the Lord keep away from your sight anyone who takes offense at whatever holiday greeting you choose to say to people.

May the Lord grant you a politics-free season, especially saving you from those who seize upon the whole "Christmas Under Attack" myth for their own ends.

On the other hand, may He also defend you from those who would eradicate any single reference to Christmas because it offends their tender sensibilities.

May God and His angels protect you from the Star Wars Christmas Special.

If you happen to run across an Elf on the Shelf, may there be a roaring fire in the fireplace, and no witnesses.

May the patience of God restrain your fist from going through the television screen after you witness the umpteeneth ruination of a Christmas song, hearing it changed into a commercial jingle.

May the Lord defend you from fruitcake.

May the Lord spare you from creepy people when you happen to pass under the mistletoe.

May the Lord watch over your thoughts and actions, especially during company Christmas parties. But if He doesn't, may He soften the hearts of the Human Resources department during the resulting hearing.

May the weather be in your favor and may it not disrupt your travel and party plans, because Lord, thus far it's pretty much sucked. And it's not even winter yet. I mean, seriously, what the Hell?

May the Lord spare you from the know-it-alls and killjoys who feel the need to say things like "Christmas is actually a Pagan holiday", or "If Jesus was real, he was born in the spring of 4 BC, not the Year Zero on December 25th!".

May the Lord keep you out of Wal-Mart, for it is Satan's domain.

May the angels keep your tree safe from your rambunctious pets. May your cats' desire to climb trees be quelled at least until after the presents have been opened.

May He give you infinite patience in the presence of the billions of horrible, creatively-bankrupt iterations of "It's A Wonderful Life". On a related note, may there be a handy box of Kleenex in time for the real movie's final scene.

And finally, may the blessings of the season fall upon you and yours this year, with peace, joy, prosperity, and good health to all, now and in the year to come!

Unearthing Old Memories Thanks To The Internet

The Internet, much like automobiles, firearms, organized religion, video cameras, and acid reflux, is one of those things that can be used for either the betterment or the detriment of society as we know it. Because of the Internet, with a little imagination and resourcefulness (and a lot of coffee) thrown in, you can track down just about anything or anyone, and that includes re-establishing links to good times in the past. This is one such success story.

Pictured here: A visual representation of my memory.
If you look close enough, you'll see
the Bitter Turnip Of My High School Memories

I picture my memory as a large pot of soup, boiling furiously on a stove. As the soup bubbles, various ingredients randomly rise to the top, bob along the surface for a few moments, then sink back down into the depths, only to be replaced by another ingredient.

Maybe it's a carrot. Or perhaps an underdone potato, or a glob of mustard. There's more gravy than grave to you...

...whoa, sorry about that. Had an Ebeneezer flashback there.

Now, where was I?

Oh yes. Vegetable soup. No! Wait! Memory!

I can be walking down a hall at work, perhaps mentally planning our household budget for the upcoming week, then suddenly a commercial jingle just comes out of nowhere.

"I can see the sunlight shining, over Narragansett Bay. So raise a glass my friend, and talk to me of home.."

Geez! Where the Hell did that come from. Narragansett Beer? Really?

Anyways, yes, memory. Funny thing, memory. Turns out that lots of my memories relate to music. Which brings me to the whole point of this blog entry. About time I got it, eh?

The debut album.

We all know of someone or something that never became as successful as they deserved. Maybe it was an athlete who got injured early in their career and never was able to fulfill their potential. Or maybe it was an actor who debuted in a real bomb, and was never able to shake that failure.

My poster child for "should have been" was (and still is, now that I think of it) an alternative rock group called Private Lightning. The mid 70's to mid 80's were an awesome time to be a music lover in New England. A lot of fantastic bands came out of the Boston area during that time, such as Aerosmith, the J, Geils Band, the eponymous Boston, the Cars, to name a few. They were heavily played and promoted by WBCN-FM, the Rock of Boston.

The alternative/new wave/indie/post-punk scene was particularly noteworthy, with bands like The Fools, Mission of Burma, the Atlantics, and the Neighborhoods.playing at places like the Rat, the Paradise, TT the Bears, and the Middle East. You could you also see some awesome out of state bands like this obscure little band called R.E.M. (my all-time favorite band ever in the history of Creation), when they toured the region.

But Private Lightning. Wow. They had six members, with the group's sole female playing, of all things, an electric violin. Hey maybe that's not such a big deal these days, but back in 1980? Holy crap! Innovative! Different! Awesome!

Private Lightning, dressed mostly in black,
the Official Color of 80's Alternative Bands (tm)

Anyways, they were extremely talented musicians who had their own distinctive sound and a rabid following (including yours truly). I saw them at the Paradise in 1980 and they truly rocked the place. They signed with A&M records, and released a debut album. Unfortunately, the technical quality of the album left a lot to be desired. A&M didn't support the band much after that, and all too soon, the band went the way of the dinosaur. A serious injustice. They should have enjoyed, at the very least, "The Cars" level of success.

Anyways, several years ago I managed to find many tracks of Private Lightning's album online, and put a bunch of them on my iPod. Their debut single, "Physical Speed", continues to not only be an awesome summer driving song, it's also very effective as part of a soundtrack for running to.

So one day a few months back, the thought suddenly popped into my head, from out of nowhere: "Hey, I wonder if I could find one or more of the band members online and write them a belated fan letter?" And so, I began my research.

There were two band members whose names I never forgot: the brother and sister pair, Paul and Patricia Van Ness. I remembered their names because back when I was at Park Street Church in Boston, the college fellowship had a pair of siblings also named Paul and Patty, and whose last name began with "Von". The coincidence of two Paul and Patty V's was, and continues to be, rather memorable. What can I say? I love patterns.

I started with Patricia, and found that she is still doing music, but most definitely not of the alternative rock kind (more like classical). There was an email link on her page, and I figured, "Why not?", Of course, I wanted to make sure I wasn't coming across as being some sort of creepy Internet stalker (as opposed to the Totally Okay Internet Stalker we hear so much about), so I simply wrote an uncharacteristically short letter, explaining that I was and still am a fan, still listened to the band's stuff, and hey, thanks for the memories.

A few days went by. Nothing.

A few weeks went by. Nothing.

As the one month mark got closer, I shrugged and figured that it was a lost cause. Ah well. Some folks prefer moving on from the past. Fair enough. Maybe I could try another band member or something. But then, Shazam! A few days before that month anniversary, Ms. Van Ness replied with a very gracious answer, and had forwarded my letter to Steve Keith, the band's bass player.

Then Steve emailed me, and sent me a link to his site, which has all of Private Lightning's stuff, and a whole slew of other tracks. And, in order to bring the social media experience full circle, he eventually sent me a connection request on LinkedIn. which naturally I accepted! Wow! I had actually made contact with two members of a band that I've enjoyed for over three decades!!

So, what have we learned here? First, that you can find (or rediscover) just about anything on the Internet. Second, if you're a singer, or a writer, or whatever other kind of artist, your work can and will endure even if you don't get that level of fame and recognition that others get. There will always be people out there whose day you will brighten even if it's just a little, courtesy of what you've created.

Check out Steve's site, particularly the Private Lightning section. Granted, some of the lyrics haven't aged well, but overall, you'll be impressed. "Physical Speed" is still an amazing song. This was a talented band that deserved way more success than they got.

Q: Are we not men?
A: We are The Cars!

As for what's next...hmmm...I wonder if Rick Ocasek is as easily found online?

Soup credits:  koufax73 / 123RF Stock Photo

What Have We Learned From The Market Basket Drama?

First of all, I apologize for being lax in my personal blogging. All I can say is that life's been busy and eventful, though in good ways, but it resulted in less critical projects like this one being pushed to the side. I shall endeavor to do better, and I figured that the Market Basket incident is a great subject to tackle for my return.

What Happened With Market Basket?
For those not living in the New England area, Market Basket is a chain of 71 supermarkets located in Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Maine. Owned by the Demoulas family who emigrated to the US from Greece in 1916, the chain has grown steadily, built on a reputation for good prices, friendly professional staff, and paying their employees well.

Unfortunately, there has been a power struggle between two cousins (Arthur T and Arthur S) for control of the company. Artie T was the CEO up until June, when Artie S managed to swing a Board of Directors' vote that knocked his cousin out of the CEO seat. He and two other top-level executives were fired, and two outside candidates were brought in to fill the vacancies, and everyone now in power assumed it would be business as usual.

Boy, were they ever wrong...

This is New England. You don't mess with us nor with our traditions and institutions. You bomb our marathon, we shut down an entire town and come for you. You mess with our beloved local supermarket chain, and...well...see for yourself.

What needs to be made clear here is that this whole drama could also be called the Battle Of The Billionaire Relatives Who Can't Stand Each Other. But whereas Artie T has been characterized (and his actions have borne out that characterization) as being someone who believes in paying his employees a good living wage, treating them with respect, and providing customers with low prices, all while still turning a profit, Artie S is from the "squeeze every dollar out of a company, even if that means higher prices and lower benefits" school of business.

I couldn't find a picture of Artie S, so here's old man Potter.

Employees and customers alike responded to the change in leadership swiftly and dramatically. There were walkouts and a massive and very effective boycott that resulted in business absolutely plummeting. There's a Market Basket near where I work, and I can tell you, the parking lot was a ghost town, day in and day out. Second-hand accounts from other branches mirrored this. People would post their grocery receipts from competing supermarkets on the automatic doors of their local Market Baskets. Motorists honked their horns in support of the striking employees. Truck drivers refused to make deliveries.  There were huge rallies attended by sometimes up to 5,000 customers and employees, in a bid to bring Artie T back. And as the board showed that they weren't the bastions of reliability (not to mention bills not getting paid), grocery suppliers began to cease doing business with the chain. Even the governors of Massachusetts and New Hampshire got into the fray, because politicians.

The strong, sustained reaction caught a lot of people off-guard. After all, who in their right minds engages in such a long, drawn-out campaign for the sake of a supermarket chain and an ousted billionaire CEO? Maybe, just maybe, it's the kind of people who enjoy being treated decently, like human beings should be treated. But this sort of thing isn't supposed to happen. Boards of directors and CEOs are supposed to be able to implement whatever measures they want, and the people are supposed to simply take it like good little consumer sheep.

Yeah, good luck with that. Because New England!

A little over two months after the initial firing, with sales bottoming out and an enormous PR nightmare on their hands, the board finally approved the sale of the 50.5% majority shares of Market Basket to Artie T, putting him back in charge again. This also meant that everyone who was fired either during the takeover or who lost their jobs as a result of the rallies and protests would get their jobs back. At this writing, Artie T and his team are scrambling to get Market Basket up and running again, bringing back fired employees as well as getting those bare shelves restocked.

Buying Local
Personally, I've always been a fan of Market Basket. Their prices are lower than other chains, while their selection and quality is just as good as the larger, pricier stores. The employees are extremely helpful, friendly, and are expected to behave and look professional. For instance, employees aren't allowed to wear jeans when at work; they're expected to dress just a little better. It's little touches like that which made it a nice place to shop. In fact, the only knock I've ever had with Market Basket was that most of the time their background music is dreadful 70's sludge. I mean, we're talking really sucky stuff here, people.

There is also something to be said about putting my money into a chain that's locally owned and run, a good old fashioned locally-based American company, as opposed to, say, Hannafords (owned by a Belgian corporation), or WalMart (owned by the Antichrist and Satan).

So here's what we've learned from this whole adventure, boys and girls:

NEVER Go Into Business With Family Members
Other than organized religion, no other entity can be either a strong, comforting support or a means of messing you up for life, like families can. Family feuds are the worst. For instance, there was even speculation among some pundits that Artie S and his side of the family would just as soon see the entire chain collapse and die rather than sell it to his cousin ("Some men just want to watch the world burn" - The Joker). Take it from someone who worked for his dad for seven miserable years: working for/with family is the worst. I'm willing to entertain the notion that exceptions exist, but they're rare. Almost as rare as a CEO who gives a damn about the so-called little people.

Brand Loyalty Still Exists
Customers stayed away in droves because the Market Basket they knew and loved was in danger of changing for the worse, becoming just another cash-draining chain of stores. Many refused to set foot in the stores until Artie T was brought back, others just dramatically curtailed their purchases. If you build a good brand, characterized by good prices, quality goods and services, and a friendly competent staff, you will get loyalty, and that means money. And speaking of loyalty...

Treat Your Employees Like Human Beings, And They'll Follow You To Hell And Back
Okay, that's hyperbole, but the spirit is true. It's a matter of public record that Artie T pays his employees an extremely good wage, one that you can actually live on without outside assistance (hear that, WalMart?). Managers have been known to bring in over $50,000 a year, and other benefits (such as retirement) are known to be just as generous. Artie T respects and values his employees, treating them like professionals, and consequently they act that way. Well-paid employees make for happy employees, which in turn means more customers. Step 4: profit!

People Still Have Power
While I don't buy some people's rosy assessment that this incident is the big turning point in the struggle for the little guy to get an even break, it's certainly a start. Precedent has been set. People can vote with their feet, and as long as those people remain true and devoted to their convictions, and there's enough of them doing it, they can change things. The cynical golden rule may say "He who has the gold makes the rules", but what happens when that gold supply is cut off, courtesy of the people who've declared "That's enough!"? You know, the ones who supplied the gold in the first place?

So yes, it is very possible that, when faced with an intolerable condition dictated by the people with all the cash, the average Joes have more options than just sitting there and docilely going along with it, all the while muttering that nice guys finish last and that life's unfair. Sometimes you can take a stand and change things. Sometimes, the good guys can win.

There IS No "Class Warfare"

Spoiler alert: This guy's a jerk

"Class warfare" is a phrase trotted out by big business/rich people (and the politicians in their pockets) as a code for "the average person loudly objects to being unreasonably drained of cash and/or has an issue about corporations not paying their fair share of taxes, so let's paint ourselves as victims."

Sure, the Market Basket incident may be just a small sample size, but it helps to show that "average" people don't necessarily hate all rich people. Artie T is a billionaire, but he's fostered an impressive level of devotion and support from employees and customers. No one begrudges anyone from making a fortune and striking it rich. This is America, after all, and people can still come here with an idea, a lot of hard work, and a plan, and make it big.

There are other rich folk like Artie T around, to be sure. It just seems that this particular breed of rich person is so difficult to find that, when you do find it, a big fuss has to be made.

But while non-rich people don't hate rich folks, what people do resent are those wealthy individuals who, in their quest to achieve an even greater level of cash-grabbing overkill, will bleed consumers and employees dry by any means necessary. No one is denying people the right to go out and get rich, but at what point, how many millions, how many billions, do you point out to these heartless money-grubbers that their single-minded obsession to imitate Scrooge McDuck is making it impossible for the average person to earn a living or acquire goods and services for a reasonable price?



The people have spoken, the good guys have won, and, in what has to be the best case scenario, all of the damage from the unfortunate incident can and will be undone. Score one for the people!

Welcome back, Market Basket! Now, restock those awesome store-brand everything bagel tops, m'kay?

Now, Wait Just A Damn Minute!

Crapabunga!

So I'm walking through the supermarket recently, when suddenly it hit me from out of the blue:

Why on Earth do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wear masks!?

I mean, think of it. You wear a mask in order to conceal your identity, right? A mask conceals your facial features so that, when you remove it, you can simply blend in with everyone else, right? It prevents you from being otherwise recognized. No one knows who you are; you could be anyone behind that mask.

We're talking here about a quartet of human-sized, upright-walking, sentient TURTLES, for crying out loud! How many OTHER human-sized, upright-walking, sentient turtles are running around that these four can blend in with and be mistaken for?

It's like, "Hey, look, there's the ninja turtles, without their masks!" "No, man, we can't be sure! After all, we've never actually seen them without their masks on!" Yeah, clearly they could be four OTHER talking, man-sized turtles.

And considering that most masks hinder your field of vision to one extent or another, they end up being an unnecessary and dangerous accessory.

And don't tell me they wear the masks in order for us to tell them apart.  Each one wields a different, unique weapon. Rigoletto wields the twin salad forks, Dumbo uses a chunk of wood, Libido has a sharp pointy weapon, and Monsanto uses some kind of bondage chains and sticks thing.

Besides, ninjas didn't wear masks; they blended in with everyone else by means of disguise.

Stupid frickin' turtles....

Captain Crunch Movie Greenlit

In Hollywood's ongoing quest to find original source material, it may surprise many to know that the latest source of inspiration may come from the breakfast table. Earlier this week, Paramount confirmed that a live-action movie featuring "Captain Crunch", the sailor character that's been on breakfast cereal boxes for almost 50 years, is "in development".

Given the mixed results in attempting to make movies out of board game properties, it's hardly surprising that other elements of childhood memories are being mined for ideas. "Captain Crunch is an instantly recognizable brand that resonates not only with today's children, but with their parents, who grew up eating the cereal," explained marketing specialist Irma Gedun in a recent telephone interview.

According to a studio executive who refused to go on record, the project already has a commitment from director Roland Emmerich to helm the picture, and discussions to have actor-comedian Jack Black as the titular character appear "promising".

While many details still need to be worked out, initial reports indicate that the movie would trace Crunch's career in a late 19th century naval setting, starting off with his humble beginnings as a seaman on board a ship of the line during the Age of Sail.

"We learn what makes Seaman Crunch so special," Gedun elaborated. "Think of it; doesn't the whole concept of Seaman Crunch fire up your curiosity? And then we get to see him ascend the ranks until, at last, he's promoted to Captain and given the command of the S.S. Guppy, and gets his crew." Gedun cited the mostly forgotten fact that when Captain Crunch was first introduced, he had a full cast of characters and an ongoing story. "He had a crew of kids, and a dog named Sea Dog," Gedun explained. "He even had a nemesis: Jean LaFoot, the Barefoot Pirate, and that's who the Captain's foil will be." Actor Jean Reno has been rumored to be a front-runner for the part.

The presence of LaFoot the pirate as Crunch's nemesis has fueled speculation that movie would have an overall pirate theme to it. Furthermore, it's a given that the good Captain would need updating to conform to 21st century sensibilities. "Back in the 60's, the Captain's crew was made up of a group of generic white cartoon children," Gedun pointed out. "Our new Captain's crew would be more racially diverse, and considering the pirate motif and the area of the Caribbean as the setting, we could have ethnically diverse children from England, Spain, France, and Jamaica."

Sea Dog, the crew's dog mascot, would be rendered with CGI. If the Crunchberry Beast were to appear as well, speculation says that actor Andy Serkis would be tapped for the role, though Gedun says that if the Beast were to appear, it would probably be in a sequel. Gedun calls the possibility of an appearance by Sidney the Elephant, the old mascot for Capn' Peanut Butter Crunch "highly unlikely".

The good Captain's ship, the SS Guppy, will also receive a modern makeover. "Although she'll incorporate the traditional 19th century sailing vessel design," Gedun explained, "She'll be an 80-gun ship of the line, ready to go toe to toe guns a-blazing with the biggest and baddest pirate ships at sea."

"Overall, the movie would be an action-comedy-origin story," Gedun concluded. "With plenty of family-friendly swashbuckling action on the high seas, and a light-hearted, uplifting story with a positive message."

Rival studios are carefully watching the progress of the project, as other possible cereal characters may end up on the big screen. There is speculation that Universal Pictures is researching the feasibility of a Count Chocula/Frankenberry/BooBerry/Fruit Brute horror comedy, as a kind of homage to the old Universal monsters. Other possibilities including a raunchy bro comedy starring Snap, Crackle, and Pop, and a whimsical kid's fantasy movie spotlighting Lucky the Leprechaun.

Gedun ruled out any movie treatments on any cereal mascot that wasn't somewhat human to begin with, which rules out the possibility of a movie featuring a character such as the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee. "That would just be silly," Gedun acknowledged.

Filming for Captain Crunch is slated to begin in June, on location in Jamaica, and scheduled for a Christmas 2015 release.