That's Me On The Toilet- An Open Letter to the Writers of Glee

Dear Sirs or Madames
Lately, through no fault of my own, I have been exposed to your television show. Now, from the little I knew about it before this exposure, I had a reasonable idea that it wasn't something I'd be too interested in. I know that a handful of people whose opinions I respect like it, but that was scarcely reason for me personally to spend time watching it.

Recently, I managed to overhear parts of an episode, in one of those "captive audience" situations. Furthermore, someone close to me recently sent me a Youtube link to a segment of one show where "Losing My Religion" was being featured. I'm a rabid REM fan (that is to say, I rabidly enjoy REM, not that I'm a fan of REM turning rabid). The reason that this person sent me the link in the first place was "Hey, it's REM. You LIKE REM."

Yes. Yes I do. Which is why I disliked the Glee treatment of what is most likely one of REM's most beautiful songs.

But anyways, I'm getting ahead of myself. After being forced to hear a good majority of one episode, I am forced to conclude that it indeed really is not my cup of tea. And some of the songs featured made me want to jam screwdrivers in my ears ("Don't go breaking my heart"? Come on, really?).

However, the biggest issue is the use of REM songs. I don't know who's in charge of giving that kind of permission; whether it's the band, their manager, or perhaps even the record company. But I haven't felt so embarrassed for the band since their ill-advised cameo performance on Party of Five.

So please, I beg you, in the name of all which does not suck: Keep your hands off of REM songs.

As for my friends and associates who like the show, I am mystified as to why they do, but I won't hold it against them. Just like I have friends who for some Godforsaken reason think Sarah Palin walks on water, or some who deny the existence of God, so I apparently can have friends who think this show rules. It's possible that people can co-exist in peace and harmony despite disparate tastes in television and music. It's called celebrating diversity, or adversity, or perversity, or something like that.

By the same token, I hope they will think no less of me that I'd rather hear a plate of beans negotiating its way through the digestive tract of a cow than listen to another minute of your program.

Thank you for your time. Once more...hands off of REM. And if you EVER touch "It's the End of the World as We Know It", I will personally strangle each and every one of you.

My Musical Education- Part Three

When we last left our hero, he had managed to stagger out of high school with his sanity and self-respect semi-intact. With the exception of a few bright spots, music had not been much of a help in keeping morale up. All of that was about to change.

I began college in 1977 at Suffolk University in Boston, majoring in Journalism. I quickly joined the newspaper, the Suffolk Journal, and through it managed to absorb information about up and coming music groups, courtesy of the Arts and Entertainment reporters.

That, and I was also listening to WBCN 104.1, which at that time was called the Rock of Boston, and rightfully so. You wouldn't know it from hearing it now, but once upon a time, BCN was one of the most influential rock stations in the country. Their DJs were experimental, progressive, and chronic rules-breakers, and they introduced their audiences to new groups like U-2, Devo, B-52s, and many others.

The beauty of this new era of music lay in its non-conformity. Disco, bloated arena rock, soft rock, all of these were being pushed aside by angry young men like Elvis Costello, Iggy Pop, Jim Carroll, Blondie...

(Sad aside...a few hours before this writing, Carol and I stopped at a supermarket to pick up some groceries, and heard Elvis Costello's "Pump It Up" on the store's music system. Alas.)

Anyways, gone were complex dance moves, the ridiculous leisure suits, the hair being just right. Now, you just grabbed some second-hand clothes at an "experienced" clothing store at Harvard Square, went on down to the Rat in Kenmore Square, and flailed around like an epileptic ferret. Now THAT I could do!!!

It wasn't just the Punk/New Wave/Alternative sound for me; I also was introduced to Weird Al Yankovic's demented genius (fittingly enough, by listening to Dr. Demento), and even had room for stuff like Billy Joel, particularly "The Stranger", an amazing album with practically every track a masterpiece.

And now, for an aside: Dear Billy Joel. You are an accomplished piano player and songwriter. However, you are NOT a rock and roller. You are not, have never been, and never will be. Oh, and by the way, if you keep dumping wives/significant others for progressively younger victims..er...mates, in another few years you'll be dating sperm. Please stop. You're creeping me out.

You can see how my eclectic music tastes came to be.

The early 80's brought the Go-Gos, Wall of Voodoo, Madness, Big Country, The Alarm, etc., but by far the best thing to come out of the early 80's for me was this college band from Athens Georgia that I first heard on WBCN with their hit "Radio Free Europe". Yes, my favorite band of all time, R.E.M. I was captivated from the first time I heard RFE.

Thanks to MTV (which believe it or not, back in the early 80s, played VIDEOS), I was introduced to this weird duo, whose debut video consisted pretty much of the two guys running frenetically around, wearing cardboard tubes covered in pieces of carpet on their heads. Yes, it was They Might Be Giants, and their bizarro lyrics.

A special mention needs to be made here about Christian rock. My Christian Fundy stage lasted from about 1974 to 1989. During this time, I was exposed to many Christian bands, many of them trying to rock out, but in a Christian sort of way. My conclusion? Christian rock pretty much blows. But there are two shining exceptions:

Phil Keaggy. This man is a guitar genius. His guitar work is legendary among many musicians, particularly those who admire guitar playing. True story: once, Jimi Hendrix was interviewed and was asked "Do you consider yourself the greatest guitarist ever?" His response was "I don't know...ask Phil Keaggy".

Steve Taylor. Christian New Wave. His stuff was GOOD. And doctrine-wise, his songs took aim at the wishy-washy Liberal Christians, as well as the overly restrictive narrow-minded Conservative Christians. His music advocated taking a stand, yes, but not being a fascist about it, a well-thought out moderate approach, a position which I adhere to nowadays.

The rest of it? Toss it all out. This means you too, Amy Grant. Ugh.

So, building on the music tastes cultivated as a kid then as a teenager (for nothing was thrown out or replaced..it was simply added to), my musical tastes as they stand today were pretty much cemented in place. In fact, I'm not sure there's even call for a Part 4.

And thanks to programs like iTunes and Napster, I've been able to reconstruct a lot of music from my past, resulting in playlists that extend from the 50's to present day. A situation, I'm lead to understand, that's not so unusual among my peers.

Naturally, I've done my best to pass on these music tastes to my kids, and I'm gratified when I see teenagers today checking out stuff from the 50's and 60's. Kind of makes you feel like there's hope for the future!

I conclude with a t-shirt slogan that was created in response to a snarky slogan from a few years back:

"No, I'm not getting too old; your music really DOES suck"