A 21st Century Christmas Blessing

Our Christmas Tree topper for this year

May the Lord grant you a drama-free Christmas, with no family conflicts, sudden bad news, or any other last-minute crises.

May His hand shield you as you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, otherwise known as the malls. May the escalators rise up to meet you, absent of unattended screaming children. May He defend your car against crappy drivers in the parking lots. May His anger burn swift and harsh against those who take up two spaces for the sake of preserving their precious car's paint job. May He send flocks of poop-loaded birds to cover such a car, and may a deep freeze set in seconds later.

May you not purchase an item at one store, only to find it available at half off somewhere else two weeks later.

When you do your online Christmas shopping, may the Lord defend your computer, financial information, and IP address from thieves and hackers

The Lord guard and keep your bank account and credit card balances, and may you be spared overlimit fees.

May He grant you infinite patience and mercy when you're subjected to the 14th consecutive showing of "A Christmas Story".

...and if you are the one inflicting this torture on others, may the Lord have mercy on your soul.

May the Lord keep away from your sight anyone who takes offense at whatever holiday greeting you choose to say to people.

May the Lord grant you a politics-free season, especially saving you from those who seize upon the whole "Christmas Under Attack" myth for their own ends.

On the other hand, may He also defend you from those who would eradicate any single reference to Christmas because it offends their tender sensibilities.

May God and His angels protect you from the Star Wars Christmas Special.

If you happen to run across an Elf on the Shelf, may there be a roaring fire in the fireplace, and no witnesses.

May the patience of God restrain your fist from going through the television screen after you witness the umpteeneth ruination of a Christmas song, hearing it changed into a commercial jingle.

May the Lord defend you from fruitcake.

May the Lord spare you from creepy people when you happen to pass under the mistletoe.

May the Lord watch over your thoughts and actions, especially during company Christmas parties. But if He doesn't, may He soften the hearts of the Human Resources department during the resulting hearing.

May the weather be in your favor and may it not disrupt your travel and party plans, because Lord, thus far it's pretty much sucked. And it's not even winter yet. I mean, seriously, what the Hell?

May the Lord spare you from the know-it-alls and killjoys who feel the need to say things like "Christmas is actually a Pagan holiday", or "If Jesus was real, he was born in the spring of 4 BC, not the Year Zero on December 25th!".

May the Lord keep you out of Wal-Mart, for it is Satan's domain.

May the angels keep your tree safe from your rambunctious pets. May your cats' desire to climb trees be quelled at least until after the presents have been opened.

May He give you infinite patience in the presence of the billions of horrible, creatively-bankrupt iterations of "It's A Wonderful Life". On a related note, may there be a handy box of Kleenex in time for the real movie's final scene.

And finally, may the blessings of the season fall upon you and yours this year, with peace, joy, prosperity, and good health to all, now and in the year to come!

New Christmas Television Specials For The 21st Century

Every December, it seems that we're treated to the same holiday specials and Christmas-themed movies. After a few years..er..decades of seeing the same ones over and over, I for one am getting kind of sick of them, and yearn for something new.

That's why I've come up with a series of brand new holiday specials for Christmas or whatever the Hell else you want to celebrate in December. Where appropriate, the suggested network is provided. Any television executives who see this list should feel free to contact me courtesy of this blog.

A Charlie Brown Krampus (ABC Family)
Charlie Brown and Linus finally get fed up with Lucy being a violent, raging, football-pulling turbo bitch, and summon the Krampus to drag her off to Hell. Meanwhile, Woodstock deals with the repurcussions after he's shown at the conclusion of "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" eating turkey, which implies that he is now considered a cannibal.

The Kardashians' Khristmas Karol 
The Spirits of Christmas Past, Present, and Future (Khloe, Kourtney, and Kim) visit Ebeneezer Scrooge (Bruce Jenner), after a visit from the ghost of Jacob Marley (Kanye West). The constant whirring sound you hear is Charles Dickens spinning in his grave at 100,000 RPM.

I'm Dreaming Of A Great White Shark Christmas (SyFy)
A massive school of cold-thriving, snow-capable great white sharks converge on a town's Christmas celebrations during a super-blizzard brought on by sunspot activity. Starring Shaun Cassidy, Maureen McCormick, Mike Lookinland, and Tiffany.

Teen Jesus (MTV)
An ongoing series that explores the time between the Nativity and the beginning of Christ's ministry. In this episode, Teen Jesus get His friends in trouble when he accidentally turns the football team's drinking water into wine. Later, Teen Jesus ponders whether or not to cure the head cheerleader (Mary Magdalene) of her acne in order to get the school bully (Pontius Pilate) to stop teasing her. Back at home, Joseph uses the last of the wise men's gold to purchase a new camel for the family, and Teen Jesus wants to borrow it.

Behind The Music: The Little Drummer Boy (VH1)
The life and career of the Little Drummer Boy is examined with a series of interviews and rare performance footage. This installment details the LDB's attempts to keep his career going after playing a solo for the King of Kings, which let's face it is something that's difficult to top. LDB struggles to stay relevant while dealing with his frankincense addiction. Includes rare footage of LDB's "Do or Die, One Last Shot at Redemption" Comeback Concert at the Coliseum in Rome. Special interviews with band members Beat-master Ox and Time-keeper Lamb, LDB's agent (Judas Iscariot), and Brutus, the Roman Coliseum lion who ultimately ended LDB's career for good.

Black Friday/White Christmas (Lifetime)
A widowed mother (Valerie Bertinelli) who lost her husband in a Black Friday X-Box riot the previous Christmas tries to get over the trauma of her loss in time to go and buy presents for her children. Along the way, she is aided by a mysterious yet daffy Christmas angel (Lady Gaga).

One Horse Openly Slays (AKA Jingle Hell) (FearNet)
A demon-possessed horse (Sarah Jessica Parker) goes on a violent murderous rampage through a crowded shopping mall on Christmas eve. Oh, what fun.

A Very Dyslexic Christmas
Things end in soul-shattering tragedy when a group of dyslexic revelers try to sit on Satan's lap.

Herbie, DDS
This hard-hitting medical drama showcases Herbie the Elf (Hugh Laurie) and his attempts at bringing dental hygiene to the North Pole. In this episode, Herbie tries to fit the Bumble (Seth Rogen) with dentures, and Yukon Cornelius (Jack Black) loses four front teeth when he accidentally bites in a frozen solid piece of peanut brittle. It's a race against time for Herbie to reattach the teeth in time for Christmas dinner. Meanwhile, Clarice (Jodi Foster) is being stalked by Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins).

The War On Christmas (History Channel)
The tactics, weapons systems, and prominent military leaders are showcased in this hard-hitting documentary detailing the organized humanist assault on Christmas. Includes footage of fruitcake IEDs, creche fire-bombings, and surface-to-air candy cane launchers. Actual combat footage of Christmas Caroling squads engaged in skirmishes versus ACLU-backed Christmas-haters. May be too intense for young children and toy-making elves.

RuPaul's Drag Race: Don We Now Our Gay Apparel (Logo)
Drag queens. Christmas outfits. You do the math.

The Sarah Palin Holy Christian Jesus God Bless America Traditional Family Values Old Timey Christmas Special (Fox News Channel)
This variety show features Sarah Palin and her guests Rush Limbaugh, Ted Cruz, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, and Bill O'Reilly, as they celebrate an all-American old fashioned Christmas celebration, just like Jesus and His family did, as outlined in the Declaration of Independence. Also, guest star Kirk Cameron delivers a rambling and confusing Christmas message.

The Terminator Saves "It's A Wonderful Life" (Spike TV)
The Terminator (Ah-nuld) goes back in time for the sake of humanity, and positively murders the living Hell out of anyone even remotely connected with the production of the "It's A Wonderful Life" sequel.