New Patriots Charges: Malcolm Butler Is A Telepath

New charges have surfaced against the New England Patriots, already reeling from accusations of using deflated balls and being implicated in the ensuing Wells report. According to Seahawks' quarterback Russell Wilson, the only way that Patriots' rookie cornerback Malcolm Butler could have intercepted Wilson's throw was if Butler could read minds.

"Now that I have had some time to think of it, there's no way in Hell that Butler should have been able to intercept my throw," Wilson snarled in a recent interview with Sports Overreaction Desk. "It's clear to me that he's some kind of mind reader. The Patriots cheated by having some dude who reads minds in their lineup. Nothing that team does surprises me anymore!"

The charges have raised a huge outcry as millions of people have immediately accepted the accusation has absolutely true, despite the complete absence of a single iota of actual proof.

The NFL, which is currently butt-hurt over their serial ineptness in the area of player discipline, investigations, and punishments over the last couple of years, immediately commissioned crack investigator Theodore "Snack" Wells to investigate these charges, and compile a report that backs up the accusation.

Pictured: Respected attorney Wells

The Wells investigation into the new scandal, dubbed "Mentalgate", has resulted in Wells releasing the following statement:

"After a painstaking investigation in which we overlooked several facts that contradicted our preliminary findings, I can say that beyond the shadow of a doubt that Malcolm Butler may possibly be a mind reader. Maybe. Sort of.

"There is the possibility that Butler is either a mutant or a representative of the next stage of human evolution. We have subpoenaed a Professor Charles Xavier, and reached out to an organization called PsiCorps for possible corroboration.

"Although we have found no evidence to support the idea that Butler can read minds, at least no proof we could pull out of our asses on such short notice, we also found no evidence that he's not a mind reader. Thus, this investigation concludes that the New England Patriots may or may not have willfully or unintentionally acquired someone who may or may not be a mind reader, which may or may not have unfairly influenced the game, and....

"Oh, screw it. Let's just say they're guilty. They're all guilty. Everyone in the organization is guilty as a puppy sitting next to a smile pile of poo. Butler's guilty, Brady's guilty, Belichick's guilty, Kraft is guilty and his macaroni and cheese sucks!"

Punishment has yet to be determined, but it's certain to be a fair, even-handed disciplinary action that in no way could be possible deemed excessive.

With the New England Patriots now being blamed for everything from global warming to the formation of ISIS, the team has now overtaken the New York Yankees as the most hated professional sports team in America.

On a related note, numerous unverified reports have surfaced of a drunken, half-naked Alex "Slappy" Rodriguez running around Yankee Stadium yelling "Woo hoo!" and giving unwanted fist-bumps to unwilling bystanders.

The Best Damn Haunted Attractions In New England (at least we think so!)

The Halloween season is that special time where we set aside the horrors of the real world (the Tea Party, Miley Cyrus, government shutdowns) and immerse ourselves in the make-believe world of spooks and scares.

Not all horror is Halloween-based

My wife Carol and I are horror aficionados, and this year, rather than working at a haunted attraction, we made it a special point to allocate a butt-load (an actual unit of measurement) of cash for the express purpose of visiting as many haunts as we could.

To give you an idea of how committed we were to this fun project, we decided to try and see as many haunts as possible on their opening night. Granted, logistics dictated that we couldn't accomplish this for every one of them, but we did okay, which resulted in us starting our haunt tour on Saturday, September 21! Yes! Finally, Christmas isn't the only holiday that people can start putting stuff up for and observing unusually early!

Although every haunt we went to this year was well worth it, these five stood out as the best. If you get the time and inclination, visit all of them. Each of them is an outstanding example of your classic New England style Halloween haunted attraction, and you can't go wrong with any of them. Here they are, presented in no particular order.

Ghoulie Manor: Mwahahaha!

  
Ghoulie Manor (Taunton MA)
Ever visit an attraction and have a great time but, for balance's sake, you try and come up with at least one drawback or negative, but you just can't find one? Welcome to Ghoulie Manor; a perfect haunt. The props have a level of scary detail that show that the builders made this a labor of love. This place is delightfully creepy, and it's filled with great performers with good backstories and convincing makeup. There's one or two spots here that caused this jaded haunt fan to actually jump, so yeah. This is Ghoulie's second year in operation, and new haunts needs all the bodies (warm or in states of decomposition) that they can get. If you like supporting the new local business and cheering on the plucky newcomer, then Ghoulie deserves your support. If you like going somewhere to get the Hell scared out of you, then Ghoulie works there too!

Dark Walk. This lady's makeup was...disturbing.

Dark Walk (Andover, CT)
Speaking of "try to find at least one negative and coming up short", there's Dark Walk. As the name implies, it's a walk through the dark woods, and let me tell you, talk about a walk to remember! The intricate backstories, the very convincing acting job, the entire theme and story of the haunt, the realistic sets, all combine to create a haunt experience that you won't soon forget. Unfortunately, the weekend of October 18-19 is the last one for the year (they only run two weekends), but anyway, keep it in mind for next year.

There's nothing like a menacing clown staring down at you while
you're waiting in line...

Barrett's Haunted Mansion (Abington, MA)
If Ghoulie is one of the newer kids on the block, Barrett's is an absolute old guy on the porch, telling those damn kids to get off his lawn. Yet its longevity has done little to diminish its impact as a haunted attraction. Now, I'll admit, I didn't find this year's attraction "scary" per se, but the entertainment value, particularly the set pieces (with some uncomfortably realistic props) make this a must-see. They've also expanded their haunt to include a creepy, fog-filled maze set in a make-believe cell block. And after the haunt, there's the ever awesome Abington Ale House, just a short walk across the parking lot, to retire to for beer and food. Om nom nom...

Fright Kingdom (Nashua, NH)
Yeah, this one's in our backyard. Not our actual backyard, but sort of down the street from us. And in the interests of full disclosure and integrity, I should point out that we have worked there in the past. But that doesn't take away from the fact that this one is a can't-miss. Like Barrett's, Fright Kingdom is another haunt veteran. But if you want to go somewhere that has the complete haunted attraction experience, you must go here. Creepy manor? They got it. Freaky-ass clowns? Check. Vampires that don't sparkle? Oh yeah. Zombies? A whole barracks full of them. Blackout Maze? Yeah they have one. Fright Kingdom has something for every horror phobia that you or that really jumpy friend of yours could possibly have. Add to this an awesome Monster Midway with food, games, special guest celebrities, and zombie dancers, and the experience is complete! Add the fact that it's right off the highway (Route 3), and the entire thing is indoors (no worries about  cold and/or rain), and you get a haunted attraction that gives you more boo for your buck!

AAAAAA! It's coming right for us!

Haunted Overload (Lee, NH)
Overload is right. Holy crap. Take a stretch of woods belonging to a farm. Decorate it with HUGE props of skulls, pumpkins, hideous tree-things. Add some extremely effective actors. Put up some dark shacks and tunnels to walk through along the long, dark, twisted path. The resulting concoction is a horror overload to your senses, and a screaming good time for all. You must check this one out, but only if you want some highly effective scares. The scenes were definitely more actor-driven than prop-driven, but the props did have a more "organic" feel to them, conveying a very convincing "creepy nature" vibe. If the only negative you can come up with for a haunt is that they sold out of your t-shirt size, well, that's saying something!


 So there you have it. Our favorite five. Go to any or all of them, and your Halloween season experience will be enriched and unforgettable. You'll also end up going back year after year, so beware: these five are habit-forming.